Dressed for Drinks [BFMH2016]

Today is my friends birthday. She text me early wanting to know if I wanted to meet her for drinks. I suddenly feel that I can not meet her sober. Her personality is one that is so bubbly that it is difficult for me to understand. I want to frontload before I meet with her.

I text Charlie to find out if he was at the bar. Why? So that I could stop by for those first few drinks to loosen up. He answered very quickly. Which I hadn’t heard from him since that night I made him a tad jealous. I figured he was still upset with me.

He said he was at his ma’s watching movies. I had to laugh. He really expected me to believe that bullshit he was spewing at me?! Since he is a drunk, he’s been recently evicted from the home he was squatting in. He told me he is at his mothers. She no longer likes me. Why? Because I have no filter when it comes to saying what I think. It just falls out of my mouth, even without alcohol in my system.

He said he was suffering from cabin fever and would be out tomorrow night. Charlie asked me if I wanted to meet him at a different bar while he plays a makeup game of darts. Well, tomorrow is Sunday. I return to work on Monday. I told him to remind me about his game tomorrow night. He said he would. I highly doubt he will.

Tonight I figured that he is not at his mother’s at all, but is with his flavor of the week. He must play the game if he wishes to continue depending on others for the things he needs. I do admire one thing about Charlie. It’s the fact he will not bring his girls out with him to the bars. He will acknowledge everyone he knows, even if it is one of his girls but they will not be asked to sit at his table.drinks at the bar

However, I get to sit with him in the corner, like Baby. LOL. I probably should be angry or hurt by all of this. But I’m not. I just hate it when he lies to me about stupid shit like this. It’s bullshit like this that would cause my issues to kick in to fast gear. If Charlie & I were dating its this behavior that I would go drive by his mother’s to see if I could see him, to verify that he is there. Deep in my gut I would know that he’s not there, that he would be out whoring around. This is why I’m not dating him, seeing him on the side. I just enjoy his attention, the foreplay and sexual tension we have that we know we can’t act on. I think we both miss the old days of our crazy sexual adventures. We no longer chase that sexual high we once shared.

I don’t want to drink a lot tonight. I’m already bored and haven’t even left the house. I know the bar we are meeting at, it’s quiet and tucked off the main road. Nothing exciting happens there. I don’t get the same feeling with her that I do with him. I like not having to be “on” when I’m with him. Because he does it for both of us, verses my girlfriend where I have to be “on.” I’m the one who makes everyone laugh, the showoff, the spark. But when I’m with Charlie I don’t have to.

Well, I’m ready to go.

The Numbness has Returned [BFMH]

I’ve been busy working on the cleaning of the basement while I’ve been off for the week. I think I have found a few more of my triggers.

Not being able to finish a chore like cleaning the basement. In my mind I can see that it is a simple task.

  • Sort through some boxes.
  • Donate the leftovers.
  • Clean up the rest.

Pretty simple. Right?! Nope. I get all kinds of side-tracked. Sorting through my boxes of books made me cry. I looked through the books, I felt like I couldn’t give some of them away. Others I’ve had since I was in high school. My pile to keep is larger than the pile to donate. WTF?! Emotional

This post was not about sorting books, but how I feel now. I feel like I did when I was a kid. When I felt depressed, full of pent-up energy. I haven’t had sex in over a week. I blame that on myself. A person can not act out with out some form of consequences for their actions. My health suffers every so often. I wanna go to my local bar, see my bartender and drink. Drink & drink some more. I feel nothing now. I want to feel something. Anything.

I want to do a bump in the dingy bathroom. I wanna look at a stranger in that watering hole and fuck him in that same bathroom. I wanna feel something. Anything. I want that high that I’m craving. I held my phone in my hand, I almost text Charlie. My fear is disappointment. If I text Charlie, he doesn’t answer me. I’m rejected and it will push me further down the hole. If I text Charlie and he does answer, we meet for drinks & I get disappointed because I’m not getting the attention I’m craving.

I sit here typing out my thoughts instead of chasing those thoughts I just mentioned. Years ago I would be out the door, maybe that’s it. I feel I have no valid reason to leave my house. Maybe its resentment. He already said I could leave if I wanted to. But that’s just it. If I leave, I’m afraid that I will do something that I will regret later. It’s times like this that I will take a long hot bath, cry in the tub and know that tomorrow is another day.

I guess I want to be in that place where I’m safe, yet the noise drowns out the noise in my head. A place where the drunks talk & I smile politely at them, but hear nothing they say.

I know I make no real mention of my Liege, other than he gave his permission for me to leave if I felt I needed to. He is understanding and said “I don’t want to abandon you, if you want me to stay.” I never beg, ask or say “yes. I want you to stay, when a person really wants to do something else.” I will emotionally close off from him until I feel back to my “normal” again. I will try to do something to keep me from falling completely off the edge into the dark hole.

Disappointed. Empty. Numb. Tomorrow is a new day.

Drive Me Crazy

Last night I went out with Charlie. I needed to feel that feeling again. I knew that I will be off work for a few days, so I figured last night would be the best.alcohol

We had been texting back & forth through the lies he tells me I still hear his broken soul.

I went to our hangout, he was there playing slots. I almost didn’t recognize him. He looked good. It started out as a quiet boring night, until his friend showed up. Charlie introduced us, but I’ll be damned if I remember his name. He bought several rounds of drinks, but I wasn’t drinking them fast enough. The drinks weren’t tasting right. Too much alcohol or something, yuk. I think I only had like 5 during the night.

“Guy” is 45-year-old was bald with a nose piercing and covered in tattoos. He’s physical body was a bit overweight however, he wasn’t heavy, like fat. He continuously talked to me through the evening, while Charlie was doing whatever he was doing. “Guy” started out classy, however through were statements that he made that sent out little red flags.

My drinking was “lightweight” according to him. I needed to “loosen up,” he said he was attracted to me and being married really didn’t matter. That he could “keep” me, could I accept that offer? Asking questions like …

“What are you going to do with the rest of your night?”

“Will you give us a chance, can you?”

These statements freaked me out but I didn’t show him, because I was much more enjoying watching Charlie’s reaction. At one point he pulled Guy’s chair to the other side of him and mumbled “Keep away from her.”

Guy laughed. “What’s up with you & C? You guys are finished, right? If you wanna be with me, you better fix his  attitude. We’ve been friends since we were young but I’m not gonna deal with his attitude.”

I thought about it for a moment. I thought about keeping Guy around just to hang out with when Charlie drives me crazy. A backup plan. Mostly just to have around to watch Charlie got jealous and keep me company when Charlie is occupied with business.

Through the evening I continued to mull over that idea over in my mind. Then it came to me “This could all blow up in my face! Then what? I could lose everything! My Liege and Charlie, I am unwilling to gamble losing them in my life or hurting My Liege. Charlie. Well we hurt each other all the time, it’s what we do.

Guy continued through the evening to make demands on me by telling me what I need to do or to say. When it came down to his demand of kissing him in the bar. I became a bit nervous. For one thing who were in Charlie’s bar, second I can’t act like a slut in that bar! He looked at me “You had an opportunity to kiss me, why didn’t you take it?” Uh, then he gets upset. The entire time Guy was talking me up Charlie is behind him making faces at me.charlie and the jubebox

I walked up to Charlie when he was at the jukebox “I want to know you’re ok with this, if I decide to follow through with Guy. I know you’re jealous, but you’re the one who fucked us up years ago.”

“I’m not jealous!” I looked him in the eyes with a stern face.

“OK I’m just a little jealous, I know I fucked everything up between us. I know. But still. If you want him, I won’t make a scene.”

I smiled and hugged him. He hugged me back. I had already decided that Guy would be too demanding for my tastes. I don’t chase any man. I don’t have to. When Guy asked me again about spending the night with him and demanding I do it. I finally had enough. I finally said “Bitch, I don’t have to do anything for you or anyone else.”

“You win!’ he replied.

Charlie was standing on the other side of Guy, heard the conversation. I looked at him without saying a word he asks “You leaving?”

I nodded.

“I’ll walk you out.”

I said goodbye to a few people in the bar as I made my way towards the door. Never looking back at Guy. Charlie walks me out “What happened?”

“You know me, he started demanding. And I was just pissed off at you because you fucked us up. I needed someone like you in my life so I wouldn’t have to depend on you for my crazy high on life.”

“Babe, I know I know. I’m jealous. I’m a drunk, a total fuck up. You’ll always be in my life you know that. Sometimes we just need a break from each other when we do get too crazy. I love you, you’ve got a special place in my heart. You of all people should know that. Remember we are both two very selfish people, so ….”

That’s the Charlie I fell in love with years ago. However, being a drunk destroyed his life. I moved on with my life, to a point. I need Charlie to drive me crazy. He keeps me balanced with the sane half of my world. Due to my own personal issues, Charlie is a vessel I use to release my crazy energy in his world so I don’t bring it home.

I drove back to the pool hall. Talked to the bartender, drank a few glasses of water.  Then I headed home to sleep in my bed where its safe & warm, leaving the crazy at the door.

Blog for Mental Health 2016

 

The Down Side of Getting My Fix [BFMH2016]

Yesterday I wrote about “needing my fix.” Today I’m writing about the dysfunctional part of “needing my fix.”

This bed is on fire with passionate love
The neighbors complain about the noises above
But she only comes when she’s on top

 

The therapist said not to see you no more
She said you’re like a disease without any cure – Laid by James

Charlie is an addict, gambling, alcohol, drugs, sex and toss in the mix some mental defect. I think he has a personality disorder in addition to his addictive personality.

What does that make me? Co-dependent? An addict? Crazy & unstable.

I think of myself as a binge drinker. Sure, I’ve drunk 4 drinks in 2 hours. My max is around 9-8 drinks in 4 hours, shots included. I will go months and in the past my latest dry spell was 10 years. Didn’t touch a drop, no desire, no craving. Thoughts? Sure. But mostly too lazy to go out drinking. I’ve not had any legal problems due to drinking. No interpersonal relationship problems, no loss of work.

I don’t drink by myself or at home. This is where Charlie comes in. He keeps me company and I keep him company. Misery loves company. Most of the time I feel nothing. This is due to my own emotional dysfunction.

Lemme side track for a second. I’m always thinking of the term “sex positive” in the back of my head about my blog. Here’s the thing, like a parent I say “Don’t do as I do.” I used Charlie like a drug, in the past I used lots of men like living breathing dildos so I could get to the sex. I wanted the sex, I wanted to be wanted to feel good about myself. Like “cutters” I wanted to feel, feel something to take my mind off the nothingness that I felt, to mask it with the high I just got from fucking a stranger in the bar bathroom or fucking the stranger in the parking lot of a shopping mall. Part of it all is the impulsiveness, the risky behavior

I used Charlie that day, like all the other times before. There is some emotions involved, we try to keep it in check. Most would say “he just uses you for sex, he uses you because you’re always available.” Yup. You’re right. I know that. Charlie is hanging on to the cliff, if he’s still alive in 2 years it will be a miracle. In all the years that I’ve known Charlie and have had sex with him, I never felt regret. I never thought “Jesus, please don’t give me an STD!” Funny, being borderline I feel something at that moment. But the regret doesn’t last long, it’s pushed to the back until the high is gone. After fucking Charlie I was high for about 4 days. Like any other drug, I wanted more. I need another fix. I wanna feel that high again. I would not call Charlie for another fuck session. I would hit the bar, looking for any guy to show interest in me. This was more in the 80’s, 90’s and then I got married.

Shit!! Now what did you do?

I dealt with my shit. Looked for any another way to catch that high, mostly riding my motorcycle when I can. Blogging, taking photos and posting them. Knowing that some men have an intense wank to my photos.Blog for Mental Health 2016

However, there are times when I crave Charlie. I crave the drugs, the booze and the fucking in the bathroom stall. I crave the wild, irresponsible days of my youth. Being older, the offers of sex in the bathroom don’t happen anymore. In the bar that I hung out in from time to time is the same bar that Charlie hangs in. No one there will approach me, other than to say “Hi…you’re Charlie’s X? huh?” Charlie has been known to KO men in one punch due to he’s a former boxer. Yes, physical abuse goes hand in hand with alcoholism. Funny, my two X’s were drunks, they beat up their other girlfriends, never hit me. That always made me wonder why. When I see Charlie now, I only remember times like “Needing my fix.”

Life with Charlie was always exciting, crazy and unpredictable. I loved every minute of it. I also loved being able to get off the ride when I felt sick.

Remember this is an example of a dysfunctional relationship. It’s true that the best sex is usually with a crazy person. I can only suggest that if something doesn’t feel right  in your heart, pit of your gut. Take 24 hours and don’t do anything.

 

I Needed my Fix [MM80]

Charlie called at 6:49am. I missed the call. I called him back an hour later.

What’s up?

Are you coming out?

Why? What do you need?

I thought you could stop by this morning.

What time? ( I knew what he wanted, what he needed. He wanted to be able to sleep, the only way he can if is he has someone there with him. The traumatic events from his childhood still haunt him. He is unable to sleep without disturbance – alone, by himself. I don’t mind laying next him while he escapes the demons that torment him when he is awake. There is one way he gets to sleep, to relax. The same way most men do, through sex. Normally I would not give in to my desire, but I needed my fix. It’s been too long since I felt him inside me.)Read more of Cat's Sex Stories

Whenever you can get here.

Ok. About an hour or so.

Ok babe, the side door is unlocked for ya, just come on in.”

 I cleaned myself up a bit. Thought about all the scenarios that could happen and my responses to them.

I pulled up to the house, looked around. Walked inside and down the hallway. I pushed open the bedroom door. There he was laying there in his sweatpants with the TV on. “Come here baby.”

I walk over and sit on the edge of the bed. “So….you need me to help you get some sleep?”

“yeah, why you got a problem with that?”

“No. Not really, I know that you’re tired & need some sleep.”

“Babe, I need you. Can’t always have you, but you know me. You know how it feels to be me. Lay with me, let’s just make the world disappear for a while. Please?!”

I laid down next to him, still wearing my clothes, my boots. My head on his chest, my fingers rubbing his dark thick chest hair. My fingertips glide across his nipples, stopping to pinch them. He leans into me grabbing my face with his hand and squeezing tightly. “You know how to drive me crazy. You sick whore, you enjoy mind fucking me! Don’t you!?! ANSWER ME!”

“YES. You fucking asshole!”

 

“Fucking asshole?” He kisses me. Gently at first, but forces his tongue into my mouth. He sucks it, bites it and then I return the gesture. He bites my lower lip, harder the second time and even harder the third time. I try to pull away but there’s nowhere to go. He’s got my hair in his hand, his other is holding down my arm. He continues to forcibly kiss me,  I’m enjoying every minute of it.

He rolls over on to his back. “I wanna feel those smooth lips on my cock. Babe your lips are the best I ever felt around cock.”

I pull his cock out of those sweatpants. I’m not used to limp dicks nor am I used to having to work at getting a man hard. Most men already have a hard cock, then I  suck. He was gonna me work for it.

I took all his cock in to my mouth, started sucking. Pushing it against the roof of my mouth, pulling it with my lips. He’s moaning I know he was feeling the pleasure. “Oh baby you really know how to suck my cock.” He pulled at my hair, wrapping it around his hand. Pushing my mouth to engulf his cock down to the base. My tears filled my eyes. The tears running down my face. My hair is now in my mouth which annoys me, but I don’t stop. I’m starting to sweat from our body heat. Cupping his balls I suck on them hard all the while stroking his shaft. He looks at me sucking his cock, pulls the hair from my mouth. I’m so hot. I’m sweating. His cock becomes semi-limp. What?!? He’s holds my head down on his member it hits the back of my throat and I gag. He does it again. I gag. Tears running down my face. He sits up.

He begins to unbuckle my belt, unzipping my jeans. He’s moving fast, “I wanna fuck you, cum inside you. Take off these fucking jeans. Hurry up.” My boots are still on, I’m trying to untie them. He’s pulling at my jeans only one leg off. He pushes me back on to the bed. “Stick it in, come on you slut! It’s gonna feel so good, cumming inside you.”man sleeping

He pushes into me. He grabs my wrists pulls them down by my side. Holds me there while he thrusts in & out of my pussy. “You feel so good. You bad girl. You’re such a slut. Say it! Tell me how you like my cock inside you.” He leans down kisses me. Our tongues dance together, he bites my lips, bites my face. He continues to fuck me hard, faster. Our bodies slamming in to each other. He let’s go of my arms. I grab his ass. Stretching his skin across his cheeks up his back. “FUCK ME!!! Yes baby do it, don’t stop. Don’t stop!!”

I felt a hot wave come over me, felt like I was gonna pass out. All my energy left in my body, he wasn’t finished yet. He lies on to the bed. “Climb on top of me, ride me babe.” His cock goes semi-limp again. Wha??!!! I had a moment of disappointment. “Put it in! Just put it in. Come on.” I did. His hands are on my waist, holding on to me he starts to push then pull me. Hard & fast. I feel his cock deep inside me. It almost hurts. The pleasure overrides the discomfort. “Yeah baby, you feel so fucking good. I’m gonna fill you full of cum, you want that don’t you?!” I’m watching his body tighten. I rub his chest, pinching his nipples. He’s grinding our bodies together while he’s still controlling my movements with his hands. “Yes yes fuck.” I reached behind me, squeezed his balls. My pussy tightens around his cock. His body straightens like a board. I can’t look away from him. He turns his head into the pillow to muffle his moans as he releases his seed in to me.

I stay on his cock for a few minutes. “God damn baby that felt wonderful! Thank you.” He caresses my thighs. I fell to the side of him, sweating and exhausted. We lay side by side trying to catch our breath. Listening to him breathe hard turns into snoring. I relax drift off to a lite sleep. He rolls over on to me with his arm over my stomach. He whispers “You comfortable? You gonna stay?” He knows I don’t stay, “do you want me to stay?” Do you need me to stay?”

“You can do what you want, but I want you to stay.”

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I caress his face. “Sleep now. I’ll stay long enough for you to fall asleep.” He climbs under the blanket, covers me too. Rolls over on to his side, I curl in behind him and we both drift off to sleep.

My Drug [BFMH2016]

I have stayed out of his place. A place that most patrons know who I am, where I get treated well, watched over and protected. A mutual associate wanted to meet there for some drinks. I haven’t been drinking much lately, I know that I could easily start another binge cycle.

copyrighted2016@sassycat3000

copyright2016@sassycat3000

I walked in, spotted him sitting in his usual spot. The spot to see both entrances, bathrooms and full view of the bar. I made no attempt to acknowledge him, nor make eye contact. I sat down with the friend. No more than 10 minutes went by before he had to walk past us, kissing me on the cheek and giving me a squeeze. He went on his way. Another 10 minutes went by and again the same thing. The body language that tells everyone in the room that I have a special meaning to him.

Our relationship has been so broken, from lack of trust, addiction, betrayal. We know each others secrets, we are unable to accept rejection or abandonment. We each take our turns with reaching out to each other to cling to. We both know that we can’t let go of some people, yet we kick others out of our lives so quickly that we can’t even remember their names or faces. We push each other away, grab on desperately when the other tries to leave. Sometimes the fear of abandonment is imagined, yet we reach out in attempts to keep the other here.

alcoholI ignored him for as long as I could, walked over while the friend was outside smoking a cigarette. “Charlie” has quit smoking once again, since he no longer fucks “CC.” I approached him from behind, he jumped. He had nothing special to say, it was kept brief. He wasn’t has drunk as he usually is. He was not “on” as I like to put it. He had no audience to perform for, those people who want people like us to “perform” for them. We are more than willing to make those people happy. But not tonight, he wasn’t. He was quiet, straight and reserved.

We had words the last time we laid eyes on each other. But because he is who he is, I’m always afraid that I may never see him again. Most of us know the stories of alcoholics, we know what happens to them when they don’t get help. I’ve been by his side since the spiral down began. I watched him lost everything dear to him, listened to him anguish over his life, his past. But why? Because I feel comfortable there. I need a drunk in my life to give me security, stability. As crazy as it sounds, it’s all part of my childhood.

Since we haven’t been hanging out together, I felt left out. And after a few drinks, I haven’t been counting like I usually do. The shots kept getting poured and I kept drinking them. My inhibitions lowered now because of my alcohol consumption. I sent him a text.

“I still adore you, even though you’re a shit. Don’t ever leave me.”

“Why would I?”

“because you don’t love me anymore.”

“love you very much silly!”

“Good because I would hate to lose you.”

“never.

“Thank you. i’m glad you don’t hold grudges like me.”

“haha naaaa. I’m the softer side of you”

“if anything ever happens to you I’d be miserable without you.”

“Anything else???”

“Anything else? I love yo in a way I don’t understand.” (Maybe what I think is love is not love at all, but me just hanging on to someone who only gives me drama, chaos and a self of security. Crazy sounding I know.)

“Yeah, but that’s a good thing.”

“I’m glad you think so.” (Even thought I think it’s crazy thinking).

“Always thought so.”

“Thanks. I need you. That’s what I hate. but if you’re ok with me needing you then I’m ok.”

“I’m very ok with it…you know that!”

“no I don’t always know it. I’m emotionally fucked up & insecure. spoiled brat & jealous and doesn’t play well with others.”

“HEY!!! like me!! Love you.”

“love you 2”

pool hallI hate that he is inside my head now. I can’t get him out. I’m not sure I really want him out. My emotional issues got the better of me. Alcohol does that sometimes, not all the time. I wish I could understand why is it that I am so addicted to this person. Why do I feel the need to have his chaos and drama in my life. I often thought that if I understood him I could understand myself. I try to keep my emotions level, but it’s when I get around him that I get out of control. It’s with him, it’s an “anything goes” environment. My impulsiveness, risky behavior comes out in full force.

I know that he & I have a toxic & dysfunctional relationship. I wish I could just walk away from him. Something always brings me back to him, either of my own desires or him calling me. I get kind of out of control, some times it’s worse than others. This night it wasn’t too bad. I know I did say a few things that shouldn’t have been said. That happens when the alcohol keeps flowing freely with no stop button.

my addictionIt’s dangerous how attached & addicted you could get to someone. The strongest drug that exists for a human being is another human being.

A Kick to My Balls [BFMN2016]

For the past two years I have participated in “Blogging for Mental Health” year-long meme. Sadly, the last I heard the meme was finished due to the blog owner’s health issues. The meme would not be continued this year.

BUT… BUT….I’m still going to blog for my mental health.

Yesterday I was on a slight emotional high. I was asked to accept an “e-promotion.” What’s that? Well, it’s one of those things that happens in an online life. I started out as a “moderator” for an Instagram account. Then asked to step up to the level of administrator of the IG hub account. Now I’ve been asked to step up to Lead Administrator Assistant. Sure, it may not be a huge thing to most people, but for those of us, like me; who have an “e-life” it’s exciting.

Ok. I can only speak for myself when I say all the above. I’ve been trusted with passwords, codes and responsibilities. How cool? So, I was kind of emotionally high yesterday.

At time of publication of post this photo had only 20 likes

  

However, today it’s a completely the opposite. I’m walking around in a dark emotional place.

Why? What triggered the sudden emotional downward spiral?

Not actually sure. Perhaps it’s been bubbling below the surface. Since I have put on inches, about 10 pounds in the last month. It’s been working on my self-esteem. I was using the concept of posting selfies to get the emotional high that I need. But now with a low self-esteem I can’t do the pictures I want.

I decided to take some pictures of myself today. I had an idea of what I wanted to do. It’s gray outside, raining. Sometimes that can affect my emotional being, but most of the time it doesn’t. I wanted to take some photos that I could post on Instagram. I would like to post my Sinful Sunday photos, but I really don’t feel that comfortable posting those there.

Using Instagram can be upsetting, finding the “in-crowd” hashtags is a bitch. Those hashtags that get you noticed with the groups that you are looking to belong to or to find similar photos to yours. You want to get noticed, don’t you? If not why would you post photos? I’m scanning, searching through hashtags. I look at profiles of women who have posted half-naked photos of themselves. Some of them I wonder…are they real? Who are these women? Where do they live? Because I don’t see women who look like that everyday, at the store, etc. I see the number of likes on just one of their photos. Sometimes, it’s over 300. I look at the tags, they are using the same ones I am. BUT they have all those likes, they have 11k followers and I have 300. I ask myself.

What I am doing this for?

Who am I doing this for?

Why am I doing this?

Why are they doing it?

Who are they posting the photos for?

I read on one profile “Never in a million years would I have thought a social media app would bring me so much joy.” How does one get joy from a social media app? The long-lasting genuine friendships she’s making? By friendships I mean those equal with the ones that we experience IRL. Or cant I compare the two? Real life and net world? Why does this social media app bring her joy? Because I think she’s like the rest of us who get that high from the attention.

   

I just don’t understand it all. It’s like a kick to my balls. The kick is hard, I can feel it throughout my body. My esteem falls to the floor. I try to pick it up from the floor, but nothing works. I can really spiral out of control during times like this. It’s Friday. I know that “Charlie” is just down the street. I could go for a drink, for the random stranger sex or “I hate myself sex.” I could do anything just to get my esteem off the floor and to get my emotions back up to my baseline. It’s times like this when I have to step back. Take a deep breath. And stand still. It will pull down into a dark hole if I let it. I standing on the edge as it is, looking down into the abyss. 

[Photos in this post are NOT to be used without the written permission of the owner] 

T’was the Night Before Christmas Eve [BFMH2015]

My friend wanted to get a drink and chat after the stressful weekend she had. I mentioned anywhere but there, she picked there. His Blog for Mental Health 2015hangout, the place He & I would hangout together. I hadn’t heard from him in weeks. Since I yelled and told him to fuck off. He wasn’t there when I walked through the door. I was immediately told “he was just here, but he left with a blonde haired chick.” As if that would make me jealous in same way. Most of his friends do know me, say hi to me but that’s pretty much it.

I was pretty busy talking to my girlfriend and two men that had started buying us drinks. I had met one of the men when I was out with him the last time at the family bar. I didn’t see him come into the bar, but I noticed him standing in his spot out of the corner of my eye. Quickly turning my head so that he wouldn’t notice me. My girlfriend gave him away when he was standing behind me, she looked at him with a twinkle in her eye waiting for him to make a move.

I had my body turned facing her, he came up behind me stretching his right arm over my left shoulder to shake our mutual friends hand. When I turned towards his arm he leans in for a kiss on my lips. I was horrified. “Hi Alex, good to see you. Hey babe. I just came over to say hi. Happy Holidays.” He walks back to his side of the bar. I was overcome with emotions. UGH. Why does he have such power over me? Why do I even give him this power?

My girlfriend asks me “why do you let him stress you out so much?

FUCK! I wish I knew so I could stop it.”

It’s in these moments that I think about going back to the counselor I was seeing and trying to sort through the steps of my involvement with this particular alcoholic. We went on with our evening, him on his side and me on mine. I did catch him watching me once. He was looking at me from across the bar, making faces at me, smiling and doing that look with his arms opened wide and tilted head. I told my girlfriend I’ll be right back. I ran over to him and he started to pretend to hide behind one of his people. I gave him a side punch to the ribs.

You punch like a bitch!”

Laughing at me. He grabs me, hugging me, twirling me off the floor and kissing me.

I don’t hit like a bitch. I don’t want to hurt you anymore than you already are. And why haven’t you texted me? You text all them other putas and share your business but not me. WTF is with that?!”

“You told me not to text you until I was sober or in treatment. Besides you don’t have a phone.”

NOOOO Asshole. That’s not what I said, that’s what you wanted to hear! I said text me when you’re ready for a drink or if you’re sober which ever came first.”

“Why you acting like all those other tramps in my life? You ain’t one of the tramps so stop acting like one. Besides you knew I was here and you chose not to come through. That’s on you, not me. I love you babe, you know that. But I don’t want another tramp in my life. You know where I am.”

As we stood there staring at each other, trying to keep all our tension under wraps. An older gentleman interrupted “Hi, I’m Ray.” Charlie quickly jumped at him. “Why you trying to move in to this conversation? Can’t you see she’s talking to me?”

Ray replies “I thought she was talking to me when she was making all those hand gestures. I wanted to know why she was flipping me off.” I laughed. We had made gestures before I ran over there to punch him.

You bess get back to your gurl.”

I looked at him again,  walked away from him. Sat there with my girlfriend, listened to her conversation with the two gentlemen. I was so ready to leave around 9:30pm. She wanted to stay for one more. I kept telling the bar owner “I’m done. No more for me.” Instead of giving me a full glass he was giving me half glasses. I drank 3 of those while she was nursing her one long neck bottle of beer. She said I’m going to say goodbye to so-so and then we can leave. I said “I’ll wait for you in the parking lot.” I didn’t say goodbye to him. Which normally I would do, but since I didn’t go with him I felt no responsibility to him.

When I arrived home I screamed at my beloved. Not towards him, but it was because I was so hyped on what had happened I needed to get it out of my head. I was upset because I turned into someone I used to be. A person I don’t like being. I always told Charlie that if I could understand his behaviors then I could understand mine. We are only different by private parts. We are two peas in a pod, we know each others weaknesses and strengths. Not a healthy relationship but a toxic one, addicting, dysfunctional relationship. I asked my beloved to help me better understand what is going on in my head. He explained “you’re shadow boxing with yourself. You’re angry because he continues to lie to you, treating you like you’re stupid. And you hate that more than anything. You know he acts like a jealous ex boyfriend you’re just ready to admit it yet. You are just not ready to see what you need to see.”

UGH I hate when he is right, but what’s more important is that he keeps me balanced. If anything ever happened to him I’m checking out of this reality. I don’t believe there is any one that will come close to the sanity he brings me. 

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