Letting My Darkness Win

Today is just one of those days. I feel nothing. Should I feel something? I look in the mirror & see a monster, a freak…something that should never see the sunlight. So for now I’ll hate myself & play in my darkness.

I’ve slacked off on my blogging. I’ve slacked off on all my chores. I come up with all sorts of excuses as to why shit is not done.

My weight has spiraled out of control. “STOP bitching!”

I tell myself…”get up off your fat lazy ass and do something about it!”

Yeah in my head I can see myself doing the exercises, I see that beautiful body I want. Self defeat overcomes me before I even start.

Where the fuck am I going with this? Completely lost direction-again!

I finished my classes. Have another job. Where?!?! Working at a Halloween store. It’s actual work! Omfg! All that standing, walking. My back can’t take this shit. I’m sure there are other people out there that feel & suffer a lot more than I do. I have no right to complain. Do I? Not sure, what or how to feel.

My darkness is like those comfortable old pair of jeans.

Leave Before You Act [BFMH2016]

My friend text me wanting to get a drink. As usual she wants to visit the dive bar where Charlie & I hang out. She droves across town for a few drinks. I agree to have a drink with her, as I approach the bar I see Billy standing outside. “Charlie’s inside.”

WHAT???

Did he just say Charlie is inside? Should I be angry that Charlie lied to me about not being there at night. It was a little after 7pm, he also said that he would only be there on the weekends. WTF?! Now, I’m caught off guard. This started to eat at me, before I could even get a handle on the situation. As my friend opened the bar door I looked briefly in to the bar. Charlie is standing with his back to the door. She walks in, I wait until a few minutes later, still talking to Billy about shit.

I see another one of Charlie’s crew members, Bud. He walks in, sits down and looks at me from across the bar. He had a blank look on his face. Kind of pissed off, kind of angry and one of don’t talk to me. Sunday, I had mentioned to Charlie that one night that Bud was super drunk and had kind of hit on me to go with him to another bar. I laughed “as if.” And now that Charlie’s back, he’s already talked to everyone, or most of them. I can bet that Charlie has already talked to Bud about what I said. FUCK! ARGH! My fault for telling Charlie – anything.

Astro walks out, we don’t speak. I think its eating at him that I don’t talk to him now. I guess I don’t really need to. I’m sitting there drinking my drink, listening for Charlie’s voice. I watch him in the mirror shooting pool. He never comes over to me, nor I to him. I don’t even look around the bar. My friend babbles on about what’s going on with me. And stuff she feels she needs to share with me. I can feel the emotional overload brewing in my gut.

Instead of having some sort of outburst, I tend to run to my safe place. But before I could do that Astro comes over to me. “Can I talk to you a minute, outside?”

NOW WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!

We walk outside, I see Charlie watching from across the room but makes no effort to come see what’s going on. Astro starts in on me about the last time we had a conversation. How he knew he pissed me off, but he was trying to keep me safe, blahblahblah. He went on to say that I need to be careful with the women that I’ve hung around with, because it’s not good. WHAT? WHAT? Are you telling me the drunks in a dive bar are judgmental? That I’m being judged by the people I drink with? FUCKIN’ Kidding me! He just gave me a bush of bullshit excuses as to why he did what he did to me. I told him I made a mistake that night, I will never do it again. I wont ever ask him for anything again. I ended the conversation with “we’re good.” I’m not really but there’s nothing more to say.

I walk back to my friend, “You were out there a really long time? What’s wrong? You ok?” I guess I’m not good at hiding my emotions. It’s really easy to see it all in my eyes. I said “Yea, I’m good, but I gotta leave.”

She starts in “Tell me what’s going on. You can’t leave.”

The night spiraled too quickly out of control for me. I started to feel disgusted sitting there in that shit hole dive bar. She kept pressuring me to tell her. FUCK I hate that shit. If I wanted you to know, fuck I’d tell you. She tosses out “well if you’re gonna start keeping secrets than I’m gonna not tell you stuff.” Motherfuck. Really?! She doesn’t tell me shit about shit and maybe I’m a shitting friend for not asking or even worse for not caring. I think it’s a shitty friend. If I cared I would ask, right?

I wanted to scream at her. Can’t do that, right? I wanted to run home and emotionally vomit on my beloved. I felt like I can’t breath, better yet like you have to puke, but you’re trying to hold it in until you get to the toilet for the release. Yeah, that’s how I felt.

I don’t like it when a friend pressures me in to doing something I don’t want do to. Like when I wanted to leave the bar because I no longer felt comfortable there. Instead of just saying “OK…” with some simple add-on statement they have to start asking & demanding an explanation about why I wanna leave. Friends, I think would have said “yea, sure we’ll finish catching up later.”

I can’t tell her what I know. She says “I didn’t know that Charlie was back, when did he get back?” I know all the back story but I can’t tell her nor do I want to. I tried to explain to her in some words about this specific dive bar. That I noticed the judgement from the others in the bar when I am with who ever. She mumbles at me “So We’re just here hanging a drink, that’s all.” She doesn’t get how cliquish that place is, how they all look at who am I with, they look at why is she there. I know it’s for Charlie and most people are starting to figure that out. Sure she knows a lot of people, but I also notice that she doesn’t have a lot of friends.  I guess I’m tired of this bar. I thought I wanted to be in the know, but not anymore. It’s a lot of work to be popular, even among the drunks. I just don’t want to be bothered with it anymore. Leave while you’re on top.

I did leave after telling her that I would explain at a later date. I gave her a hug and walked out the front door, not looking back to see Charlie I just left. A part of me was praying that he was waiting outside the back door, but he wasn’t. I haven’t heard from him since Tuesday when I got a text from him. UGH. Emotions, I hate them.walking the dog

My emotions are somewhat raw today. I did some exercising this morning to get the hormones moving. I took the dog for a long walk to clear my head. It did for a like a minute. I know that I need a good nights rest since last night I didn’t have one. Need to eat properly, which I have been, no sweets.

Looking back at the night. I had one drink in 45 minutes. I didn’t want anymore. I didn’t crave any more. I knew that any more alcohol in an emotional state could have serious consequences. I came home, waited for my beloved to get ready for me to emotionally vomit on him, but he took too long. Fuel to the already smoldering fire. I just want a new place to go to have a drink. I don’t want to go back there anymore. I just can’t process the judgmental boozeheads…..

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are…

  • Wanting to Yell at Someone. You might want to yell & scream at someone to relieve your emotional pressure that’s building. Suggestion is to remove yourself from the situation as soon as you feel those urges building & brewing inside you.
  • Feeling Disgust.

Helpful Hints

  • Find a constructive way of releasing it. Talking it over with someone you care about works wonders.
  • Work through the situation, find what triggered you to get emotional. Make a mental note for the future.
  • Finding out where the feeling of disgust is stemming from. Is it moral or environmental?

Charlie’s Back [BFMH2016]

A friend text me to keep him company at the pool hall while he watched football. It seemed that the rest of his crew was unable to show up, I felt like I was the second choice. No matter I hadn’t planned on staying long. Enough to have one drink to satisfy his need for company and leave.vodka cranberry

Sitting there my phone rings “Hey, I just got off the phone with Astro & he told me that Charlie is back!”

“NO FUCKING WAY!” was my response.

“Yup, I had planned on stopping by there. I was wondering if I could borrow $20 until I get my first paycheck.”

I love my friend and all, but I’m sorry if you don’t have the money for booze then you have to suffer without. I refuse to loan my money away for shit like that when you can suffer like the rest of us. There were plenty of times when I went without because I had to pay more important things. Anyway, I really just wanted to walk over to “the hole” to see if Charlie was really there.

I told my friend the story and he offered to walk me over there. We laughed & smiled. Astro was standing there with his girl, I pretty much avoided any eye contact with him after last weekend. I

READ ABOUT LAST WEEKEND HERE

I opened the door & popped my head inside the bar. I heard his voice before I opened it, I held the door open while I stared at him.

“CATTTTT!”

He comes over and hugs me. We hold on tight. I take a deep breath in, to fill my nostrils with his scent. “You coming in for a drink? Come in for a drink babe. Its been so long.”

“But I’m…” I point outside to my friend.

“WHAT?! You with that dude? Is that you like now? Really?”

“Noooo, but he asked me to come down to the pool hall to have some drinks with him & watch football.”

“WTF?! Oh youre like that now? with him?! You don’t even like sports!”

I put my head down, “but you left me. You abandoned me.”

“I did not abandon you, I had things that needed to be sorted out. I went to jail too. I’m almost done with all that shit, just a few more weeks to go.”

“You left me. You never looked for me.” I felt like I was 8 years old. I fed in to his ego. I wonder if he ever thought of me. I doubt it. He goes on to give me an excuse of not having my phone number.

“How was I suppose to get a hold of you? I didn’t have your number. Gimme your phone.”

He calls his phone from mine. “There. There you have my number now. I’m gonna be here on the weekends but only during the day. I have to pay off my doubt.”

I hugged him again, held on to him so tightly. I didn’t want to let him go. Our mutual friends had said were he was living, how bad he looked and a bit about his life. So I already knew the stuff he was telling me. He confirmed that he is still with “CC.” That he wants to stay with her until after the trial is over. I think that he’s stupid, but he seems to think his cock will win her over.

We talked for a while about what’s going on with him. I watched his crew watch us. I told Charlie about how Astro treated me last weekend. “I’ll have a talk with him.”

“God no! It will only make things more uncomfortable.” He laughed. We sat down in the cool kids part of the bar. I’m back in the corner. Away from everyone, the others in the bar take notice. How I have changed with him around. I am quiet & reserved when he is around. I act like him when he’s not there. He fluttered around the bar like he always used too and would come back to me.

I was sitting with my legs crossed, I noticed that his jean shorts were touching my leg so I moved my leg away. He noticed right away and touched his leg against mine. I looked at him and smiled big. I know I am an emotionally unstable person. Without him I feel broken. WHY THE FUCK IS THAT?! oh because I’m mentally ill.

He was telling me some details about his upcoming trial and the real possibility of him going to prison. I grabbed his face with both my hands and smiled. “I’ve missed you so much.” He smiles big, continuing to talk the entire time my hands are on his face.

“Look Charlie I need to say something before I walk away without saying it to you. I need you in my life, please don’t go away anymore. I know I pushed you away and was mean to you, you hafta know I only did it because I have that push-pull thing going. We made a mistake the last time, the sex. I don’t wanna ruin what we have with adding the sex. Look what happened.”

“Babe. I’m not going anywhere, I never left you. I just had stuff to do. I got tired of the bullshit here and yes you hurt me. Yes we carried it too far the last time and I freaked out too, but in a different way. I’m also back with CC, I’m going to seriously get my life together. Maybe we can look for a nice place to hang out together, because this place has gotten too crazy.”

Booze

I sipped my drink. I really wanted to jump on him there in the bar. I haven’t been satisfied at home. Sad, huh? That the sex just kind of fell off the list of shit to do. But when it comes to Charlie, he gives me the excitement I crave. I know that I can left the wildness go and not be too afraid. However, we can never do what happened when we both had a weak moment.

His phone starting ringing. He ends his call. “Babe, don’t get upset. Please. CC is on her way here. I’m just telling you so you can decide what you wanna do. I just want everyone to be comfortable and we both know how we are together. I just want it peaceful. I can’t afford to be in anymore trouble. I’m not telling you, but…maybe you should go back to the pool hall and I’ll come get ya when she leaves.”

“Nah, I’m good. I said my peace with you. I’m headed home. I don’t need anything more from you.”

“Remember what days I’m here. You can come see me any of those days.”

I left feeling emotionally high. Thinking I can pick myself back up off the ground now. Work on losing the extra pounds I gained when I just gave up. I felt I lost him. I felt awful about the way I treated him the last time I seen him. I could feel the alcohol kicking in. I felt good. Feeling whole. However, I know that Charlie was lying. I know that I wont hear from him. I know that he knows I blew smoke up his ass. Why do we do that? Why do we lie to each other? I haven’t figured that out yet. I know that we are dysfunctional and totally fucked up.

I’m not sure where all this is going to go, but my head is already reeling thinking about how & what I can do to “win” him back. Yet, I don’t want him nor can I have him in that way any more. I just want him to want me again, like he used to. When I got in my car I could smell him on my shirt. When I got home I took off the t-shirt, held it up to my nose and take a deep breath. His scent made the memories come flooding in to my head. I tossed the shirt in the laundry, took the dog for a walk. The evening air blew across me in the empty park and again I could smell him so strong. I felt a longing deep inside me. I miss him, but still a part of me is thankful he’s not mine. I continued walking the dog thinking of our past together & how I long for those….moments. Moments long since gone.

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are…

  • Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship.
  • A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel.
  • Fearing Abandonment, going to the extreme to prevent this. Real or imagined. Will try to control thoughts, intimidation, threats.

 

 

Will it be Alright in the End?

I was invited by the birthday boy to attend his party. I thought about not going but a part of me wanted so badly to belong to this little clique of pool hall people.Birthday Boy

First I told my former bartender I would stop by her place to talk & have a drink or two. She really got herself into a pickle. She got sacked for stealing booze from her employer. Now she’s suffering without…those so-called friends that she thought would be there for her have disappeared. They were merely patrons of the pool hall that she listened to their life stories nothing more.

I made it to her place with some bottles of Henry’s Orange Soda. I drank three while I sat with her listening to her talk about what was going on in her life.

I knew the party was just down the street and I wanted to be late. Anymore, I dread attending these types of social gatherings. Sure, I was familiar with most of the people there but still I felt as if I was on an audition. A casting call to find out if I fit into their little group of drinkers. I already knew that I don’t,  a part of me hoped that this time will be different.

I sat there with the other pool hall regs listening to them talk about my friend. How mean she was to everyone, how she did this to herself. And I realized that I, ME, I’m being judged by my bar company that I keep. Most of them know that I am kind of close to her. YUP! Even the drunkards are judgmental in their drinking & drugging and fucking around. JESUS! REALLY!!!??? I didn’t drink anything while I was there. I didn’t feel comfortable and I’m cheap. If I don’t have to spend $5 on a drink then I won’t. I sat there quietly just listening.

Georgie approached me “I told Birthday Boy that he had to invite you! That you ARE the party!” My heart sunk. It still stings. These people don’t want to get to know me, they wanted to see my show. His statement rung out in my mind most of the night. Even if I misunderstood him, I still emotionally reacted to it. I was left alone most of the time, I spoke with a few different people out of the group. “Oh I’m so glad you came, Georgie told me you’d be coming, now the party can begin.”

WHAT?!

The PH Clique

Am I the entertainment?

We left the bar to head back to the pool hall. Georgie bought my first drink. They all smoke, I don’t. But I will go outside to smoke with them, just to talk and feel the cool night air. It’s about the gossip. Two of the guys younger than I am decided to “pick” at me. At first, I didn’t understand why. Later in the night I figured out why. I was hanging out with a tall skinny kid named Darren. He is super sweet. Friendly. He is always willing to keep me company while I was there alone. We decided to walk to the “hole.” Where Charlie & I used to hang out. Darren knows I’m Charlie’s X, he never had a problem with any thing.

My friend who always seems to be there because she hopes Charlie will come back (I’m still not telling her that he’s never coming back in there). She was there talking to Romeo, he is an old family friend. We all are family in a distance sort of way. Darren sat on the left side of me, me in the middle and then my friend. I don’t remember how it started, but some dude started talking to my friend. I didn’t like him from the beginning I shook his hand. He was babbling on to my friend and I remember saying something like “I’m her bestie fucker, I out rank you. You aint never gonna be in my spot.” OMFG! Did I just act like that?! That’s shit Charlie would do, which led in to the fights which is why he got 86’ed. She pushed the dude along, he continued saying shit to me, but what triggered me I don’t remember. He walks by Darren and pats him on the shoulder “GOOD LUCK with that.” I yelled “EXCUSE ME?!”

Romeo, who owns the bar was standing behind my girl and next to me. When I turned to the guy and started in on him “Motherfucker. don’t assume just because I’m sitting next to some dude that we are together.” Then dude starts in about “you wanna cut me? Gotta knife? Most of you kind of chicks have knives.”

OHHHHH HELL NAH!

Romeo grabbed my arm as I got up off my chair, “I got this, Cat. I got this.”

I had taken my Henry’s half full bottle by the neck as you would when a person is going to use it to hit someone in the head with it. I laughed. “Yeah, Romeo. You got rid of one of us and now you’re gonna end up kicking me out.” “NO. NO I’m not going to kick you out.” He knows about me & Charlie. We are so much alike and so different. Poor Darren just sat there with a dumb look on his face. My friend says “OH SHIT, you’re in that kind of mood aren’t you?” “FUCK YEAH I AM.” Romeo had removed that guy from the bar, but then a few minutes later I hear his voice “I want to offer my apology for offending you.”

I looked at him “Shove that up your ass and get the fuck out my face!” He walked away. Romeo grabbed me & introduced me to some dude. That guy asks me “You’re Charlie’s girl?” Romeo told him I was, but I’m not … anymore. I smiled “No. Not anymore and its nice to meet you.” I walked away. Darren & I went back to the party at the pool hall. Those young guys of the group continued to pick on me “You’re a drug addict” I had this look of confusion on my face. Yes I know that the “hole” is where drugs are sold, but I don’t go in there for the drugs. I go in there because I know people, including Charlie’s X crew. I feel safe there. These guys were also saying other things but I can’t remember all of it, just that I was getting more and more emotionally unstable with it all. The pressure of trying & wanting to be accepted was making my outer shell crack.

What happens when opportunity presents itself with booze & drugs. I drink more, act up & act out more. The drinks started going down faster. But there was a time when I took my drink with me to the bathroom to tossed it out cause I was trying to regulate myself. Those guys actually were the ones that made me realize that I’m judged for going to that bar, because only the drug users go there. FUCK. They started in on me about using ketamine, what?! There are no track marks in my arms or anywhere else for that matter and then to find out that a few of them used meth. UGH! I was confused & started to freak out because one guy would say some of the most mean things, but then come back with “I’m joking.” His delivery reminds me of a comedian that I can’t recall the name, but it’s not funny.  I decided I had enough.

I went back to the hole and once again was given a moment of impulsiveness. One of Charlie’s former crew members was there. Astro was the night guy. He walked outside, I followed. “What are you doing out here? There’s nothing we need to talk about.” I choked out the question of “do you have anything on you?”

He spewed out excuses and more excuses about cops & Charlie, basically the answer was NO. No to me, not anyone else. I’m not one who can handle being told “no.” I went inside for a minute & tried to hide my anger & rejection. A regular customer walked in and I watched him talk to Astro. I became even more angry when they stepped outside to smoke. He came over to say hi when my girl asks “What happened? Your mood has changed, what happened?” I looked at the customer and hugged him goodbye whispering in his ear about how Astro won’t sell to me and that I’m leaving. I told my girl that it was best that I leave before I get myself into trouble. I walked back over to the pool hall to say my goodbyes to everyone, wishing the birthday boy a good night & thank you for the invite I departed.

Arriving home I text my former bartender telling her what had happened. She suggested not burning any bridges down there, don’t do anything I may regret later because it’s serious stuff. I miss Charlie! Sure he’s toxic but there was something about him that I always felt safe with. He told me never trust any of them there, never left my guard down with any of them. My FB also said “You’re Charlie’s X, do you really think it would be that easy?” I couldn’t hide my emotional state from my beloved so I said “You’re gonna be upset.” I told him the truth about wanting to buy the stuff. He replied “Not angry just disappointed, but I understand you were hurt and trying to put a band-aide on yourself.”

At this point I was drunk. Too many Henry’s Orange Sodas & shots of Rum Chata with Frangelico. I started throwing a temper tantrum, which led to crying which led to wanting to eating something. My beloved yelled at me in a loving way, not in a mean voice, but stern. The last thing I remembered before I passed out on the sofa was asking him “Will it alright in the end?” Hearing his laughter I let sleep take me over.

 

Insulting & Devaluing Charlie [BFMH2016]

Earlier during the day I had dealt with my ex husband and with Charlie. My  ex didn’t really have much of an effect on me. I only deal with him once a year at our grandsons birthday party. He talks, I talk, he talks some more and I laugh about him when the party is over. BUT Charlie is a different story. When I’m with Charlie or around him I turn into someone I don’t always like being. This time was one of those times.

I had stopped off at the watering hole because my friend had text me that she was there having a drink. When I sat down she mumbles “Charlie is here. He’s playing the machines.” Then another guy came up to me whispering “hey Charlie is at the machines.”Keeping Him Company

Charlie came up from behind me and hugged me, kissing my cheek. I have been hurt lately since I have felt rejection from him the last few times we hung out together. I know he doesn’t like his girls to be overweight. Hell I hate myself when I’m overweight. I have been for the past few months. That’s why I haven’t been taking photos or writing. The mental issues I have hit me pretty hard in the past few months.

Back to Charlie…I don’t know why I treated him so badly this most recent time I’ve seen him. Probably because I’m tired of his lies, mistreatment of me and angry with myself for allowing him to do what he does to me. I tell myself “Not this time.” Then I get caught up in his drama all over again. That day I rode the Fatboy to the bar, a few of the crew had to go and look at it. He walked out with them. I yelled “Don’t look at it, don’t even get near it, don’t touch it or even ask to sat on it.” Why I yelled this at him, is because his custom chopper was taken back by the bank for failure to make payments. He has lost his house, marriage, kids, boat, motorcycle, truck, job…because of the booze, drugs, gambling and whoring around. I had to rub all that in. Why? Because I was (am) hurt. I want him to hurt like he hurt me. He bad mouthed me to his family, they no longer speak to me. He uses me, lies to me. Why? That’s what he does. He does this to everyone, not just me. But I can’t handle the rejection from him. I hate the way I feel when he’s not in my life but I know he’s toxic for me.

I bad mouthed him in the bar to his friends. Something that has always been against our playtime rules. He hates being treated like that, because he’s so insecure on the inside. I know most of his weakness, the buttons to push to get specific reactions. I kept it up. I was running my mouth. Charlie doesn’t confront me like he does his other girls. Those girls get worse than I ever get. He gets physical, verbal with them but not with me.

Charlie kept trying to make eye contact with me. For of the time I refused to look him in the eyes. I know that if I do, I’m done. His brooding eyes have a way of pulling me in to his abyss. There was some small talk going on around us. He sat in the corner with someone in the middle of us. It was uncomfortable for both of us. I really don’t know why I was distant from him, the last time we were together was when I had too much to drink. Maybe because we crossed over the line.

You can read about our earlier time together here.

SpentI couldn’t help but to think about all the lies and bullshit he’s put me through. Telling every one else about his business, but leaving me out in the cold. I was drinking and getting more angry with every sip. Mostly I kept telling about all the lies, how he thinks I’m stupid and wont find out. So with that I started to become mean, vicious and assaulting him verbally both directly & indirectly.

I wanted him to feel the pain & hurt that I was feeling. I just kept on him about how he is just a little bitch. Something I know gets to him, I know he’s insecure inside. He’s that scared little boy with deep scars. I continued to scratch and tear at his scar tissue until he decided to call one of his girls to come pick him up. He said he had to go to his mothers to help her mow the lawn, that’s how I knew that I had gotten to him. His mother lives in a condo with lawn service, the folks in the bar didn’t know that but I do.

He said his goodbyes to the bar patrons and walked out the door. He said nothing to me. His friends looked at me with question marks on their faces. He & I are so close, he would never leave without saying goodbye to me like he did. I yelled “See! WTF?!” As I sat there composed, but in my mind the madness swirled around. He walked back in…”I need to say goodbye to you…I knew that if I left without saying goodbye, you would talk about me behind me back.” The small crowd of patrons around me looked in shock. I almost cried at the moment. Someone said “Yeah she had already started talking about you!” He answered “Yeah, I figured. She can be mad all she wants but we still love each other.” I jumped off the bar stool, turned to hug him “I love you, asshole.”

“I love you too.” he replied.

He walked back out the door. This was the last time I saw Charlie. As autumn approaches his life slowly begins to spiral down ward to a dark place. I heard that he has been 86’ed from coming to what used to be “our bar.” I heard he is back on the street again. I think of him often, with each time I hope I will see him again. Yet, deep inside my soul I know that seeing him again would only bring heartache.

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are…

  • Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship.
  • A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel.
  • Urges to lash out; the desire to get even or take revenge on someone who hurt you. You may want them to feel the pain & hurt you’re feeling.
  • Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger.

Bittersweet Company [BFMH2016}

He asked me “How long are you staying?”

“Why? You want me to leave? Got something in mind?”

“I wanted to know, because I’m leaving in a bit and need to make sure you’re gonna be ok. You can always come to my place, then I can take care of you.”

Broken-updatedI smiled. We finished our drinks. Sheila was hanging on Charlie, wanting him to take her home. But I got angry and caused a scene with her. Threatening to kick her ass if she keeps touching Charlie. His ego swelled larger than his cock ever could. She backed off and we walked out the door. Funny thing is that it was all a game. We did that to him because he does that to me every time someone tries to talk to me.

We arrived at his apartment. I walked in and dropped myself on the sofa. Head in the middle of the sofa, one leg hanging off and the other draped on the arm rest. He walks behind the sofa and smacks my butt cheek hard.

“How long have you been drinking today? You hungry? Babe!?”

I mumble a “No” under my breath. I wanna test him to see what he does. My mind game is twisted. Its manipulative and serves to get me what I need from him. It’s what we do-to each other.

I don’t remember him coming around the sofa or even sitting down. Somehow I ended up with my head on his lap. I was getting warm. I was getting overheated, nervous about what I was thinking might happen. I felt his hands on my back, gently rubbing it. His other hand on my head, playing with my hair. Stroking my hair, his fingers intertwining with strands of it, twirling it around his fingers. His hand on my neck, his other hand moves further down my back towards my ass. I had moments when I think I might have blacked out, dozed off. I wanted him badly. But I wanted something honest, deep in my soul I knew that to be impossible.

He told me those things I wanted to hear. But I felt nothing from what he said, maybe it was what he didn’t say that I felt more. I played a different game with him. But before I could start that game I fell into old bad habits, I felt that urge overcome me. I felt his hands on me again. I unzipped his pants, pulled out his already hard member. It was like I remembered, long and slender. My mouth engulfed his cock, all those old feelings came flooding back to me. I pushed his cock all the way in to my mouth until it hit the back of my throat. I heard that sound that gets me excited. His deep sigh, that sigh of pleasure. I sucked his cock slow & easy at first, picking up speed. His hands are down my back into my jeans. He’s grabbing flesh,  which used to bother me at first but not anymore. He likes the feeling of flesh squeezed in his hands. He grabs some of my hair, using it to pull my head up and pushes it back down on his cock. Faster, faster. My eyes begin to water, my hair makes it hot. His cock can cause me to gag once in a while if I do it just right,  otherwise I just make the gagging sounds like in the porn flicks. The sound gets him off, he tilts my face away from him so that he can get a better view. His cock stays hard, hitting the back of my mouth. Sometimes not right. I’ve tried several rounds of sucking him. What’s taking him so long to cum? I’m not able to maintain my focus on what I’m doing. Am I getting bored, tired? WTF?!

I stop. He stands up and helps me up from the floor. He starts to unzip my jeans. I stop him. “NO?! What’s wrong, baby?”

“No. No, I can’t. I want to but I can’t.”

“Ok.” He sits back down on the sofa. We bullshit talk at first. I’m still testing him to find out his reaction. But a part of what I tell him is the truth. “If I can’t suck you off, what else is there for us? I’m losing my gift. And there is nothing left for either of us.”

“Oh quit it. I’ve been drinking & other stuff. You know when I’m like this it takes me longer.” In my head it sounded great, but he was unzipping my pants for a fuck, but I think if a man wants to cum he will no matter how he comes. I start the conversation of ending whatever strings of attachment we have for each other. He says “no, that we will always be bonded.” I look him in the eyes and he winks at me. He shares his court information…”I have to tell you something before you hear it on the street. I’m back with C.” (AKA C.C.) “You do what you gotta do.” I answered him.

We have now crossed the line that we had made for ourselves. I feel numb, yet something deeper is bubbling. These behaviors stem from my BPD, the self-image issues. The sex, is what I use to get me high. I needed to feel like I had control over him, to make him feel used. It didn’t work, instead I feel dirty and useless. Another blow to my ego, even though he tried to reassure me that it wasn’t me. I knew it was. More bullshit small talk between us, he changed his clothes in front of me. I took it as a hint that it was time to leave. “Are you headed back to the hole or you headed home?”

“I wont know until I get there.” I didn’t wanna give him anything more. I’m shutting down emotionally. Walls are up in defense. I wanna quit him in the worse way.

“Just be careful babe” May is BPD Month

“Ain’t I always?!” I walked out the door. Don’t remember driving home. I remember stumbling up the hallway stairs to the bedroom. Stripping all my clothes off. Pulling the blankets from him. Slowly removing his underwear, taking his sleeping member into my mouth until it was hard enough to ride. Climbed on top of him and fucked him until we both came. I don’t remember anything until waking up with an awful headache the next morning when the alarm went off.

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are…

  • Rapid changes in self-identity and self-image that include shifting goals and values, and seeing yourself as bad or as if you don’t exist at all
  • Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxiety
  • Ongoing feelings of emptiness
  • Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship
  • A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel.

READ ABOUT THE LAST TIME I SEEN CHARLIE

Still Reeling [BFMH2016]

I think I can finally admit to having an illness. It was so difficult for me to even utter the words out loud let alone share it with the world. A world that can be judgmental, afraidMay Mental Health Month and cruel.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month, Borderline Personality Disorder. Sure, I’ve read up on some of the information. Because the counselor I was seeing suggested I read up on it. To find out if any of it made any sense to me.

At first, I think a part of me may have been in denial. Although I told my family about everything. They said “sounds a lot like you.” I told myself that I was in “remission or recovery.” The illness is still there, laying dormant. While I try to figure out triggers, patterns and what works for me.

Since my birthday I have been on a slow emotional spiral down ward. It’s getting worse. I’m trying to keep myself from doing anything risky or reckless. When I think about the symptoms of BPD, one of the first ones is “fear of abandonment or rejection.” I always used to joke that I had a “fear of abandonment” so that my emotions would have a cover.

Now back to my birthday, I ran into Charlie at the bar as usual. He’s my most dangerous trigger. I don’t have other triggers that can push me to the edge like he does. It’s been two weeks and I’ve seen Charlie a few more times since my birthday. The most recent time was the worst for me.

In most of my relationships/friendships I reach a point when I ask myself “what do I offer the other person? why are they in my life? where is the common ground for the relationship/friendship?” During my last encounter with Charlie I was kneeling on the floor looking up at him sitting on the sofa. I told him “If you were anyone else I wouldn’t be here. We have nothing…absolutely nothing.” He looked at me and spewed words he thought I wanted to hear. Yes I wanted to hear them but I didn’t want to hear those words under that circumstance. He answers me “We are bonded, we’ll always be bonded together and I’m never leaving you.” He can’t leave me. He has pretty much the same illness as I do. However, there are a few differences.

Which leads me to my emotional spiral, Charlie’s playing with my hair. “What are you doing Thursday?”

“I don’t know yet. Why?”

“Because I’m gonna be making tacos at the hole, if you wanna come through.”

BPDDays go by without any word. Today is Thursday. Time approaches when he clocks out of work. My head gets ready for either or of the outcomes. I don’t get overly excited because if I do get my hopes up then the rejection & abandonment issues spiral faster. On the other side of the coin, I want to be ready so I don’t disappoint. I checked my phone and there it was. His text. But it wasn’t what I expected, there was a death. He never asked if I was coming to see him. There was no mention of our previous time together, but I do know that he is back with his former crazy cunt girlfriend. There is where the rejection & abandonment lie. Because of the emotional pain I feel, I will make him feel similar emotional pain. The abandonment issue of me leaving him. It’s the classic push-pull game.

Until the time I can pull off the game, I will fight my withdrawal from Charlie. Fight back the tears. Each time I tell myself that I will kick my Charlie habit. It’s my last hit from the Charlie pipe, but then I get sucked back in. Maybe this time will be my last time.

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are…

  • An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection
  • A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel
  • Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxiety
  • Ongoing feelings of emptiness

 

Sharing a Quiet Drink [BFMH2016]

I really need to add a new category called “Adventures with Charlie.” Maybe change one of the categories that are mostly about my adventures with him.

I asked if he was at his bar. He wasn’t but he mentioned that he would be out the next day. I wrote about that in this post.

Him: Wanna meet up at 7pm at “SlapShots?”

 

ME: yeah just remind me.

 

Him: Will do

I got a text from one of his ex girlfriends. She shared that she heard some news about Charlie with me. I couldn’t control myself. I had to text him.

Me: Wow. New girlfriend?! No really? Congratulations and you really are serious about her?! And you’re staying with your mom? Great news. (Knowing Charlie is an alcoholic, who’s just hanging on to a branch before he plummets to his bottom).

 

Him: LOL Going to get apt this week. New GF?! she’s been on & off for 8 months. and you knew that. you even know her name!!! so WTF!?

 

Me: I heard she was new. That you are really serious about her. I’m happy you’re finally get back on track. Just wish you could have trusted me enough to share the news but its all good. I’m just glad you’re happy.

 

Him: Not serious at all…and I told u I was looking at apt. was gonna stay at that hotel for a week but ma wasn’t having it.

 

Me: No worries. I didn’t mean for you to get defensive. no need to explain. I think its best for us that way. I just hate hearing it from other ppl who seem to wanna start shit or make me upset.

 

Him: not getting defensive babe. ppl always talk shit

 

Me: we’re good

 

Him: Drinks tonight?

 

Me: come through our regular place around 4. I’ll call you when I get there.

I arrived at our regular hangout shortly after 4pm. There were people there that I wasn’t too comfortable with. A few of them said things like “he was just here or he’s around here somewhere.” I smiled sat down and tried to order a drink.

I felt an anxiety attack coming on. He come up behind me and rubbed my shoulders. I said “I can’t breathe, I’m gonna have an anxiety attack.” He asked “why? babe, I’m here. Let’s step outside.”

We stood outside for a minute, until I could get myself together.

We walked back inside “Let’s sit over here in the corner away from everyone.”

I felt so special. It’s a circular table, so we are really close. We begin talking about what his ex said to me. I know he has his issues. I wonder though what mental illness he has if any. Is he a sociopath? At times like this I think he is. Does he have similar emotional & attachment issues like I do? I think so. He tells me that “people will always talk, why care about what they say?” He is fascinated with why people in his circle feel the urge to gossip about him. I informed him that there is something about him. Men want to be him or be his friend. Women want to be his girlfriend, lover. He smiles at me. He’s very charming, smooth bullshitter. He knew right away who told me the gossip, he wants to find out who the mole is, because he doesn’t acknowledge her when she does come into that bar.

He went on to explain that the girlfriend isn’t new. She’s the same one that he’s had on & off for the last 8 months. He tells me a few stories about her. That he will never get too involved with another woman again. Blahblahblah. How he doesn’t allow her to come to the bar, because no one likes her. She’s like the one before, no one liked her either. Geez.

I told him “thank you, for not letting her come here. It’s nice to know that it’s still our place. I notice you treat some women differently than others.”

“Of course I do, doesn’t everyone?”

“I’m not sure. But I notice that some women trigger your violent side. You’ve never hit me or wanted to hit me that I know of. You just stay away from me until you’re over getting pissed at me.”

“I know, we get too crazy with each other. You don’t provoke me like some of the others. But you do like to push my limitations and that’s when I get angry with you.”

I smiled.

We were interrupted by some of his friends. Who make little comments about us relationship status. We both laugh behind their backs because we know that we wish we could be like we used to, but we’re not. Charlie is … something, he has a certain charm mixed with hardcore bad boy and that drives some chicks batshit crazy for him. I know when we’re together it is just “us.” It’s the game we play with each other.

After his friends paid their respect and left us, he began to speak softly to me. “I need to tell you something important, I need to find the snitch. I’m sure its not you. I’ve told only one other person that I am back with CC again.” My heart sunk. Not out of jealousy but from fear. She had him put in jail – twice. She had some guys beat him up to the point he needed a plastic surgeon to repair his face. I fear that this may be the last time I see him alive. She’s crazy. She’s someone you see on 20/20 or Dateline for murdering her lover. He has a death wish. Most of his inner circle know this, we all try to keep him safe. But even the junkies have pulled away from him now. I simply replied “ok. Thanks for letting me in on the secret.” He laughed.

He went to play some music, walks over to me and takes my hand. His song plays on the jukebox and we dance. The bar patrons watch us, we laugh & smile. We continue to have some drinks. Have a great time together. We end the night by a short kiss on the lips.

 

 

 

 

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