The Mental Torment of A Lustful Wife

Spending the NYE with Mr. Sam and it was all fun until he asked,

“Can I see you tomorrow for a little?”

I replied with “are you seriously asking to see me tomorrow?”

“Yes is that ok?”

“No I don’t normally leave my house on Sunday.”

“Ok.”

“Thanks for understanding.” 

He replied “I said ok not that I understand.”

And with that statement I felt fearful. Fearful for how this could end in the future. For one of those men who will do anything and I mean anything to keep me from leaving. Whether it’s through emotional manipulation or physical violence.  He sounded like he may be joking but the truth often comes out in jest.copyright2016@sassycat3000.net, Borderline, BPD, moody, unstable relationships, empty.

I also thought that how I do things so that people will like me, not to leave me and accept me. But the rational part of my brain tells me different. The mental torment in my mind is overwhelming. I also think that it’s so unfair for me to put this all on my Beloved. Because he is the one who will end up “fixing” my fuck up. Borderline people don’t mean to hurt their loved ones its just something that happens due in most part to their impulsive behavior. When the borderline is accepting to feed their ego, things get out of control fast.

I want the sex from Mr. Sam, but not at the cost of my home security. But I still want the sex. To feel the heat from his body, to feel each forceful thrust, to smell him, taste him. I wanna feel all those chemicals released in my brain, to feel high from the sex.

But pain and disloyalty I would cause my Beloved would break my heart. He doesn’t deserve this treatment from me, he’s done everything to please me, to accept me and mostly to love me.

READ MORE ABOUT Mr. SAM HERE

I just have to figure out how to get out of this mess I created for myself. Discreetly, gracefully. And mostly I don’t want to hurt Mr. Sam. He’s a fragile, kind and thoughtful person. He does have a good heart. Maybe misguided, misunderstood he’s still a human being with feelings.

He is hard to get a read on, most men I can figure out rather quickly not Mr. Sam. Perhaps that’s why I cant let him go. The need to find out what makes him tick is strong. Ugh. WTF! Someone just kick me in the head.

 

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are….

  • The inability to say NO. Borderlines are afraid to say no out of fear of rejection, judgment.
  • Relationships: A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
  • Attachment fears.
  • Addiction to chaos and drama.
  • Lying and deceitfulness, mixed messages, self-contradicting.
  • Self-sabotage.

 

[I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2017 (2014 Project). I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma].

Getting a Bit out of Control

Since I’ve become acquainted with Mr. Sam I have been at the bar more and more. It’s an excuse for me to be out, to drink and to visit with him. Charlie created specific appearance for me to have while at the bar, he accomplished this without me being aware of what he was doing. Recently I have crawled outside the box he designed for me.
Now I have a choice. I can stay inside that box he designed for me or I can be the apparent semi-slutty wild chick I’ve behaved like.
I’m leaning more towards the second because I’ve already been behaving that way. So much so I think I have been labeled now. Labeled by Charlie’s crew, its like they understand the cat is away and the kitty is left all alone. They forget I’m married. FUCK I forget I’m married. When I’m home now, he is loving, understanding and gives me that tender love he thinks I want or need to keep me from straying. He says “I love you” a lot more. He praises me a lot more, but not in a way that makes it obvious to me. Because he does it more when I’ve returned from the bar.
My BPD symptoms have been thrust into over drive regarding Mr. Sam. I noticed that he has several Facebook profiles. Why? Why does one need that many? He only has a few family members on each one. There’s always been something about him I couldn’t quite place my finger on, but when he told me his secret, I felt that some relief. But starting last night, I can’t help with think …

WHAT THE FUCK am I doing!!!!????
Since I met you I’ve been crazy
Since I’ve been with you I’ve been lost
You make everything see hazy
Love comes with such a cost
Have I lost my mind?……..Follow Me Down by The Pretty Reckless.

This song played out in my head today. I feel crazy when I’m with Mr. Sam.
There is so much about him I don’t know. Yet I’m not afraid yet I feel no trust. It’s not like there are people who can vouch for him here. He doesn’t know anyone here.
What man says “we have a connection” with in a few months or even weeks of knowing each other. Yes, I feel it, like we have been acquaintances at the bar.
Asking me how I feel about him, telling me he will wait for me and that he is happy with having me in my current circumstances. Talking about love as if is was that simple.
Is it that simple?

Someone tell me..is it? Or I am simply mad?

READ ABOUT MR. SAM FROM THE BEGINNING
Being a person with Borderline, I truly don’t know what love is. I know the concept of loyalty, a version of love I was sold to believe by Walk Disney. I’m too emotionally unstable now. Thoughts swirling around in my head, trying to process what I felt about Mr. Sam. Is what I’m feeling love or lust? Or is it the symptoms of my illness I act impulsively, acting out in risky behaviors. Like unsafe sex, stranger sex and sex that feels so good you get addicted to it.

borderline meltdown, sassycat3000, mental illness, emotional, latina blogger
Over the past few weeks, Mr. Sam has come out to see me while I’m out. We always end up in my car, talking and then making out. No sex. Lots of kissing and lots of talking. I can’t believe I’m even sharing this here, but…but I think this may be important for my future story sharing and my sex life. Because I think Mr. Sam is stirring things up in me that have been stagnant. Not saying that life with my Beloved isn’t fulfilling, but sometimes its dull & boring for me. I’m sure it is for him, but we are like most couples in the sense we accept that we have different likes & needs in this area. This is another story for another time.
Mr. Sam seems like that type of man who loves hard, who also has an issue with letting someone go when they wanna leave. Which I think could be dangerous for me and my life. But there is still something about him that draws me in. He’s a dark and broken soul. But part of him scares me, especially when he wants a solid yes or no answer that I have feelings for him. The fact he can be happy with this arrangement. What kind of man does that? Weird thing is he hasn’t pushed the sex issue at all, he jokes about it. It’s mostly sexual innuendo. There is no pressure for me to have sex with him.
I think he has deep seeded issues that I am trying to see. Why? Why the fuck do I care? And this leads up to being at the bar where Charlie & I used to hang out at. Meeting Mr. Sam there has brought a lot of attention to me. The guys treat me differently, trying to feel me up, making sexual comments to me.  But its only when they have been drinking but never a serious threat towards me. That’s the other thing that pulled me down, those rumors that I’ve heard about me. That I am “seeing” Mr. Sam on the side, having an affair. Ok, sure I admit kissing him and being attracted to him, but I’m still on the fence about fucking him or even carrying on with him. I’m not saying no to the idea but not yes either. Just riding with it for now.
But the rumors are by the PHG because a few of them have seen us together during the week. We were being antisocial to the others. Only because of the lies that were told by one of them about Mr. Sam. I’m not sure about all the shit either. FUCK. All this fucking shit pulled me down a well of darkness. Crying all day. I couldn’t stop at the end of the day, then I couldn’t sleep either. I haven’t been like this in months. I feel so lost that I scheduled an appointment with my counselor for this week. I haven’t had a session with her since my first informal diagnosis.  That should say something about this meltdown I had yesterday. That I’m reaching out for a direction in which I should go,  for an answer to why the fuck I’m doing this. Part of me thinks I’m trying to replace Charlie, to fill the chaos and drama with my own instead of his.  Make sense?

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are….

  •  Impulsive and Risky Behavior: such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship.
  • Emotions: Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days. (Anger is the current mood I’m feeling stemming from the rejection).
  • Feeling like others are out to get you. Paranoid Thoughts.
  • Believing that You should not feel this way. Self-invalidating thoughts.
  • Unstable Relationships. A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel.

 

There’s Always a Motive with Charlie

I figured since I made it past Halloween that he was gone from my life. Most sociopaths leave after they have used up all the resources of their current victim. However, we have a strange bond I have yet to put my finger on. Being involved with a sociopath is a difficult and strenuous game. I would not recommend playing this game at all. It’s too easy to lose direction, your goal and most important your sanity. I have been sick for about 4 weeks now. Coughing most of the night, not sleeping well. I heard my phone vibrate, since I was already awake I figured I would look at it.

The text was from Charlie

“don’t know me still??!!

I know you! wassup?

mhmmm. wtf u been doing? not talking to me i know that much. but anything else interesting?

I figured you were busy.

(I lied) nothing interesting, just been sick the last few weeks. wassup with you besides drama?!

lol IDGAF everyone’s always in my biz but they always twist it up.

that’s the truth. what I hate is folks telling me about your shit. like one of your exes telling me you gave her your new number.

aha. she never used it. thing is that folks always add on to the story they tell about me.

true again. the stories are never boring for sure.

oh no?! why would they be that? hafta make juicy.

tacos tomorrow?!

it’s what we used to do, back in the day. then onto drinks, partying all long and running & gunning.

mmm tacos. not sure. I have other commitments (which I do, every night).

ahhh well just saying. well let me know when u can get away then…love to hang out with you again.”

Here is where I begin to see some of the motivation behind his contact.  The holidays soon approach, I was the one who can most relate to his loneliness and despair during the holiday season. I also know that he must be without a current victim. Someone who he calls, sucks up to to get what he needs & wants. Whatever that might be at the time. Otherwise he wouldn’t be texting me.

“it would be fun hanging with you too. but don’t think i would be able to anytime soon. we are so dysfunctional.

well, duh!!! well i’m sure u can work it out. U ALWAYS do!!!

true. but I’m trying to be responsbile. aren’t you working?

yup. i’m here. tired, bored and hungry.

Anything else new with you, that i don’t know about?

all about US!!! DUH

yes it is. there is always motivation behind all of our selfish actions. blog for mental health

This is where I let him know that I am aware of his selfishly motivated need to reach out to me. He wants or needs something from me, but what that is I am not sure of yet.

naaa. nothing really new. just working on that old case from C. (the crazy cunt, i call her). I hired a new lawyer.

oh. that case isn’t closed yet?! damn almost a year now.

nope. ain’t closed yet. they wanna gimme 1-3 and i ain’t going to the joint because of some crazy bitch.

(He sends me a photo of himself & a new girl in costume from this past Halloween).

oh your new girl? how cute.

nah just a friend.

i aint your momma or wife aint gotta lie

FRIEND! she already told me i’m too flirty with everyone so she could never be with me

you can wear her down, if you wanted too. if you go to jail, i’ll write you! lol

lol better come SEE me! yeah and u know babe, THAT’s too much work for me to try & wear them wear down

I ain’t driving more than 50 miles! lol there is always another one standing in line behind her.

EXACTLY!

ppl like us always have our next victim ready, move on to the next after bleeding the first dry.

This is my way of letting him know I still remember what he’s all about. How he acts, how he thinks.

lol ain’t gotta put it all like that honey. but it’s true.

it’s what we do and who we are.

I used to think like this, at times I still do. It just really depends on the person. Anymore, it’s just a matter of time before they leave my life. There are few actual friends that I have remaining in my life, for whatever the reason. I’ve been told on numerous occasions that I’m mean, heartless and at times manipulative. I will remain loyal to those friends who are in my life. I will do what I can, when I can. I will always be there for them when I can. It’s those others who for some reason, don’t click with me are the ones that don’t remain in my life.

ah well, guess it is what it is. just know i’m done with that love shit! never worked for me! see you should come out here to the parking lot…dark… secluded and i miss your lips!!!

And here we are! the admission of never longer looking for love and waiting me to visit him. His offering of a hint of what he thinks I crave & desire from him.


This is an old post that I found buried in my drafts folder. This was last year around this time. We started falling apart after this time period. As long toxic and dysfunctional relationships we couldn’t seem to let go of each other until we had no choice in the matter. Sadly, I keep thinking I can replace him with someone. How twisted is that?! Like most recovering junkies I’m trying to find another fix, but there isn’t one. This is all part of the insanity, torn in two.

I have written the end to this chapter of Charlie.

Feeling Out of Sorts [BFMH2016]

Tonight I was in the mood to have an adult beverage. I like going after work, stopping in with the work crowd. I seemed some out spaceytonight, Astro got a bit annoyed with me with I dropped the darts off the table. I’m not normally out of sorts. Not sure why I was, but I know that the alcohol hit me quick. I only had two bottles and then I left for home.henrys hard soda, alcohol, the bar

Before I left. A guy walked into the joint, I thought for a moment I thought it was Charlie. But then I remembered that Charlie is away at camp. This guy sat in the same spot that was reserved for Charlie. He spoke to Charlies old crew. I asked a friend of a friend “Who is that guy? I’ve hadn’t seen him in here before?” One of the friends says “that’s Charlie.”

I said nothing, just sat there for a second. Then the other friend said “No that’s not Charlie, he’s away at camp. He’ll be there for a while.” Again I’m sitting there spaced out, missing Charlie and wishing I would have told him that I was sorry. Why does it always end up that way? The last time is always the worst time, ending a relationship on a horrible note. Anyway, has my mind is wandering in that last moment Charlie & I were together Stan walks up to me.

Stan is an older gentleman who went down hill when his wife passed away last year. He couldn’t seem to keep it together. He is a really sweet old guy. He taps me on the shoulder and asks “How’s your brother? Is he still at camp? No way for him to get out, huh? Going to stay there for a long time, huh? He’s a good guy but made some bad decisions.” Now the one friend who said that Charlie was away also had a brief fling with him. She had been one of my replacements when I was taking a break from him. She is seriously a broken chick. She has talked to me, helped me take a mutual friend home because she was too drunk to drive. But at no time did I ever tell her who I am.

Everyone in the bar treats me differently than the others. Charlie’s other girls never stayed very long. But I’m the one everyone knows, who gets the respect of being Charlie’s girl. God how I miss his toxic behavior in my life. And I only miss it because his behavior kept me grounded. Grounded you say? Well in the way that Charlie acted out for the both of us and then I didn’t have to. I didn’t have to put my life on the line, by acting out impulsively. Sure I did with Charlie, the sex, the drugs, the booze and the running game and hustle. I was kept close to him, I felt safe in a twisted way. I guess that’s way I miss him. He’s the crazy part of me, always running. But when I get tired, exhausted and want to try to be normal I go home. Where I hide myself from the world.

As I sat there in the bar, I looked around at the people sitting there. Decided the best thing for me right now would be to go home. And so I did.

[Even though the “Blog for Mental Health” meme has been disconnected I continued to share…I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.]

Why are we even friends on Facebook? [bfmh2016]

Recently had a set back with my borderline issues. These symptoms run deep, now active due to my phase of low self-esteem, from gaining weight, losing most of my muses and Charlie’s time away. (acknowledging my vulnerable factors or the triggers that pushed me).Grey-haired man at the pool hall

I have been included with a small group of patrons at my watering hole. Slowly I have been accepted into their little group. I’m always leery when things like this happen, I always think that they are wanting something from me, whatever that may be. I’m not sure what to do or how to act. It’s showtime. Time to turn into the  “trained monkey.” That person they point at and say “OMG…look Cat’s dancing on the tables again” or “Cat, is so much fun, invite her to the party!”

I’ve tried to keep my distance from them for a while because of my fear of rejection, not knowing how to act in their group. When they started inviting me to their birthday parties, dinners and out for drinks I agreed to attend. I wanted to be part of something. Who doesn’t? However, being part of a group like this can be tricky to maneuver through. Eventually they started friend requesting me on Facebook, which is ok. Until one of them, Sam found me here. So far he has not posed any cause for alarm. My only fear is that Sam reads this or any other writings that refer to him or the group.

I have noticed that Sam, even though he is fairly new to the group seems to have jumped the ranks and is in the inner circle. I wonder how this is possible. Is it because he’s a guy? Maybe there is something else going on behind the scenes. Sam is a friendly & nice guy, new to the area …. but there is something about him that I just can’t put my finger on. He’s tall, average to slender build with salt & pepper hair. There is a story behind him & I, which I will try to explain later.

But first let me tell you about the borderline issues that are at work here.Friend Cod Dinner

A week ago the group all went out for dinner, I got a little out of hand. I did some things that haunt me. My behavior was not the greatest, now that Charlie isn’t around I’m acting out more than ever. I used to think that he was a total ass, but now I see that at those times he was really protecting me from myself. Because without him to balance me out I become even more impulsive, dangerously so. Especially when my feelings aren’t satisfied. I do things that are harmful to myself and my life. Keep an eye open for those future stories.

A few days ago, Sam let me know that T1 & T2 wanted to talk to him. T1 apologized for his behavior that night. However, I didn’t get an apology nor a phone call inviting me to come out with the others like Sam did. That didn’t upset me as much until I noticed that T1 wrote on Sam’s FB wall. Wait. What? I can’t see it?! I should be able to see it, right because I can see something on Sam’s page and T1 is friends with me. Does that mean that T1 has me blocked or in a restricted group that I can’t see his posts? I thought I was part of this little group. I guess I was wrong. This is a  major trigger for me. I’ve been rejection yet I’m suppose to be part of this group. OH! Don’t even get me started on all the back talking and gossip that goes on. I’m sure that my actions on last Friday didn’t help me any.

I decided that if they don’t want me to read their shared posts, they don’t need to see mine. I decided to alienate myself from them. I created a group just for them so that they won’t see any of my posts anymore. I didn’t want to unfriend them because that only causes confrontations and more gossip. I have also decided to avoid them as much as possible. I won’t be going to the pool hall for a while because of my avoidance. Also if any of them invite me out to dinner again I’m planning on declining. I could play it like this…decline the invite yet show up at the bar next door and lie, if they say anything to me. All depends on how I feel on the day.

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are

  • Impulsive Aggression: coupled with a highly reactive and unstable affect modulation. Thus, patients with BPD will respond to disappointment and frustrations with intense emotions like rage, fear of abandonment and dysphoria. Then serve to trigger the generation of an impulsive, often aggressive, response to the provocation.  via psychiatrictimes.com
    • Examples: Waking a sleeping partner to yell & scream at them.
      • A BPD woman throwing her partners cell phone because she thinks he’s sexting/cheating with another woman.
      • Destroying a partner’s belongings while they are not at home.
      • Suddenly hitting someone during an argument.
  • Impulsive and Risky Behavior: such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship.
  • Emotions: Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days. (Anger is the current mood I’m feeling stemming from the rejection).
  • Relationships: A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
  • Alienation: The act of cutting off or interfering with an individual’s relationships with others.
  • Push-Pull Syndrome: A chronic pattern of sabotaging and re-establishing closeness in a relationship without appropriate cause or reason.

Helpful Hints

Keep in mind that loving a Borderline is not for everyone. It’s trying, frustrating and draining, but it can also be one of the most exciting rides of your life. IF you know what to do and what not to do during a “crisis.”

  • First and foremost, talk with your Borderline loved one or bring in a neutral party to aid you if you are unable to successfully. Because you need to know what your Borderline wants, needs and expects.
  • We have a rule in our home that if I have an “outburst” neither one of us can leave the home. We can however can retreat to different areas of the house until I calm down or when I am ready to talk in a civil manner.
  • If you are in a public place I would suggest making sure your Borderline loved one is safe and I would remove myself from the situation. Especially if you know that you will or can get “sucked” in to a type of circular conversation which could lead to the Borderline to act impulsively and aggressively.
  • Try to explain to the best of your ability what and why you are leaving.
  • Speak in a calm voice. That always works for me when I’m overly exciting. Being overly excited and trying to calm another overly excited person down just non-productive.
  • For the Borderline, ask yourself if what you are about to do can wait until tomorrow. It’s difficult when the emotions run fast & high. Try to think of the outcome to your decision or action.

Do you have any suggestions that you think might help in keeping the symptoms in check? Perhaps you do something that works great for you, I would love to hear it.

Letting My Darkness Win

Today is just one of those days. I feel nothing. Should I feel something? I look in the mirror & see a monster, a freak…something that should never see the sunlight. So for now I’ll hate myself & play in my darkness.

I’ve slacked off on my blogging. I’ve slacked off on all my chores. I come up with all sorts of excuses as to why shit is not done.

My weight has spiraled out of control. “STOP bitching!”

I tell myself…”get up off your fat lazy ass and do something about it!”

Yeah in my head I can see myself doing the exercises, I see that beautiful body I want. Self defeat overcomes me before I even start.

Where the fuck am I going with this? Completely lost direction-again!

I finished my classes. Have another job. Where?!?! Working at a Halloween store. It’s actual work! Omfg! All that standing, walking. My back can’t take this shit. I’m sure there are other people out there that feel & suffer a lot more than I do. I have no right to complain. Do I? Not sure, what or how to feel.

My darkness is like those comfortable old pair of jeans.

Leave Before You Act [BFMH2016]

My friend text me wanting to get a drink. As usual she wants to visit the dive bar where Charlie & I hang out. She droves across town for a few drinks. I agree to have a drink with her, as I approach the bar I see Billy standing outside. “Charlie’s inside.”

WHAT???

Did he just say Charlie is inside? Should I be angry that Charlie lied to me about not being there at night. It was a little after 7pm, he also said that he would only be there on the weekends. WTF?! Now, I’m caught off guard. This started to eat at me, before I could even get a handle on the situation. As my friend opened the bar door I looked briefly in to the bar. Charlie is standing with his back to the door. She walks in, I wait until a few minutes later, still talking to Billy about shit.

I see another one of Charlie’s crew members, Bud. He walks in, sits down and looks at me from across the bar. He had a blank look on his face. Kind of pissed off, kind of angry and one of don’t talk to me. Sunday, I had mentioned to Charlie that one night that Bud was super drunk and had kind of hit on me to go with him to another bar. I laughed “as if.” And now that Charlie’s back, he’s already talked to everyone, or most of them. I can bet that Charlie has already talked to Bud about what I said. FUCK! ARGH! My fault for telling Charlie – anything.

Astro walks out, we don’t speak. I think its eating at him that I don’t talk to him now. I guess I don’t really need to. I’m sitting there drinking my drink, listening for Charlie’s voice. I watch him in the mirror shooting pool. He never comes over to me, nor I to him. I don’t even look around the bar. My friend babbles on about what’s going on with me. And stuff she feels she needs to share with me. I can feel the emotional overload brewing in my gut.

Instead of having some sort of outburst, I tend to run to my safe place. But before I could do that Astro comes over to me. “Can I talk to you a minute, outside?”

NOW WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!

We walk outside, I see Charlie watching from across the room but makes no effort to come see what’s going on. Astro starts in on me about the last time we had a conversation. How he knew he pissed me off, but he was trying to keep me safe, blahblahblah. He went on to say that I need to be careful with the women that I’ve hung around with, because it’s not good. WHAT? WHAT? Are you telling me the drunks in a dive bar are judgmental? That I’m being judged by the people I drink with? FUCKIN’ Kidding me! He just gave me a bush of bullshit excuses as to why he did what he did to me. I told him I made a mistake that night, I will never do it again. I wont ever ask him for anything again. I ended the conversation with “we’re good.” I’m not really but there’s nothing more to say.

I walk back to my friend, “You were out there a really long time? What’s wrong? You ok?” I guess I’m not good at hiding my emotions. It’s really easy to see it all in my eyes. I said “Yea, I’m good, but I gotta leave.”

She starts in “Tell me what’s going on. You can’t leave.”

The night spiraled too quickly out of control for me. I started to feel disgusted sitting there in that shit hole dive bar. She kept pressuring me to tell her. FUCK I hate that shit. If I wanted you to know, fuck I’d tell you. She tosses out “well if you’re gonna start keeping secrets than I’m gonna not tell you stuff.” Motherfuck. Really?! She doesn’t tell me shit about shit and maybe I’m a shitting friend for not asking or even worse for not caring. I think it’s a shitty friend. If I cared I would ask, right?

I wanted to scream at her. Can’t do that, right? I wanted to run home and emotionally vomit on my beloved. I felt like I can’t breath, better yet like you have to puke, but you’re trying to hold it in until you get to the toilet for the release. Yeah, that’s how I felt.

I don’t like it when a friend pressures me in to doing something I don’t want do to. Like when I wanted to leave the bar because I no longer felt comfortable there. Instead of just saying “OK…” with some simple add-on statement they have to start asking & demanding an explanation about why I wanna leave. Friends, I think would have said “yea, sure we’ll finish catching up later.”

I can’t tell her what I know. She says “I didn’t know that Charlie was back, when did he get back?” I know all the back story but I can’t tell her nor do I want to. I tried to explain to her in some words about this specific dive bar. That I noticed the judgement from the others in the bar when I am with who ever. She mumbles at me “So We’re just here hanging a drink, that’s all.” She doesn’t get how cliquish that place is, how they all look at who am I with, they look at why is she there. I know it’s for Charlie and most people are starting to figure that out. Sure she knows a lot of people, but I also notice that she doesn’t have a lot of friends.  I guess I’m tired of this bar. I thought I wanted to be in the know, but not anymore. It’s a lot of work to be popular, even among the drunks. I just don’t want to be bothered with it anymore. Leave while you’re on top.

I did leave after telling her that I would explain at a later date. I gave her a hug and walked out the front door, not looking back to see Charlie I just left. A part of me was praying that he was waiting outside the back door, but he wasn’t. I haven’t heard from him since Tuesday when I got a text from him. UGH. Emotions, I hate them.walking the dog

My emotions are somewhat raw today. I did some exercising this morning to get the hormones moving. I took the dog for a long walk to clear my head. It did for a like a minute. I know that I need a good nights rest since last night I didn’t have one. Need to eat properly, which I have been, no sweets.

Looking back at the night. I had one drink in 45 minutes. I didn’t want anymore. I didn’t crave any more. I knew that any more alcohol in an emotional state could have serious consequences. I came home, waited for my beloved to get ready for me to emotionally vomit on him, but he took too long. Fuel to the already smoldering fire. I just want a new place to go to have a drink. I don’t want to go back there anymore. I just can’t process the judgmental boozeheads…..

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are…

  • Wanting to Yell at Someone. You might want to yell & scream at someone to relieve your emotional pressure that’s building. Suggestion is to remove yourself from the situation as soon as you feel those urges building & brewing inside you.
  • Feeling Disgust.

Helpful Hints

  • Find a constructive way of releasing it. Talking it over with someone you care about works wonders.
  • Work through the situation, find what triggered you to get emotional. Make a mental note for the future.
  • Finding out where the feeling of disgust is stemming from. Is it moral or environmental?

Charlie’s Back [BFMH2016]

A friend text me to keep him company at the pool hall while he watched football. It seemed that the rest of his crew was unable to show up, I felt like I was the second choice. No matter I hadn’t planned on staying long. Enough to have one drink to satisfy his need for company and leave.vodka cranberry

Sitting there my phone rings “Hey, I just got off the phone with Astro & he told me that Charlie is back!”

“NO FUCKING WAY!” was my response.

“Yup, I had planned on stopping by there. I was wondering if I could borrow $20 until I get my first paycheck.”

I love my friend and all, but I’m sorry if you don’t have the money for booze then you have to suffer without. I refuse to loan my money away for shit like that when you can suffer like the rest of us. There were plenty of times when I went without because I had to pay more important things. Anyway, I really just wanted to walk over to “the hole” to see if Charlie was really there.

I told my friend the story and he offered to walk me over there. We laughed & smiled. Astro was standing there with his girl, I pretty much avoided any eye contact with him after last weekend. I

READ ABOUT LAST WEEKEND HERE

I opened the door & popped my head inside the bar. I heard his voice before I opened it, I held the door open while I stared at him.

“CATTTTT!”

He comes over and hugs me. We hold on tight. I take a deep breath in, to fill my nostrils with his scent. “You coming in for a drink? Come in for a drink babe. Its been so long.”

“But I’m…” I point outside to my friend.

“WHAT?! You with that dude? Is that you like now? Really?”

“Noooo, but he asked me to come down to the pool hall to have some drinks with him & watch football.”

“WTF?! Oh youre like that now? with him?! You don’t even like sports!”

I put my head down, “but you left me. You abandoned me.”

“I did not abandon you, I had things that needed to be sorted out. I went to jail too. I’m almost done with all that shit, just a few more weeks to go.”

“You left me. You never looked for me.” I felt like I was 8 years old. I fed in to his ego. I wonder if he ever thought of me. I doubt it. He goes on to give me an excuse of not having my phone number.

“How was I suppose to get a hold of you? I didn’t have your number. Gimme your phone.”

He calls his phone from mine. “There. There you have my number now. I’m gonna be here on the weekends but only during the day. I have to pay off my doubt.”

I hugged him again, held on to him so tightly. I didn’t want to let him go. Our mutual friends had said were he was living, how bad he looked and a bit about his life. So I already knew the stuff he was telling me. He confirmed that he is still with “CC.” That he wants to stay with her until after the trial is over. I think that he’s stupid, but he seems to think his cock will win her over.

We talked for a while about what’s going on with him. I watched his crew watch us. I told Charlie about how Astro treated me last weekend. “I’ll have a talk with him.”

“God no! It will only make things more uncomfortable.” He laughed. We sat down in the cool kids part of the bar. I’m back in the corner. Away from everyone, the others in the bar take notice. How I have changed with him around. I am quiet & reserved when he is around. I act like him when he’s not there. He fluttered around the bar like he always used too and would come back to me.

I was sitting with my legs crossed, I noticed that his jean shorts were touching my leg so I moved my leg away. He noticed right away and touched his leg against mine. I looked at him and smiled big. I know I am an emotionally unstable person. Without him I feel broken. WHY THE FUCK IS THAT?! oh because I’m mentally ill.

He was telling me some details about his upcoming trial and the real possibility of him going to prison. I grabbed his face with both my hands and smiled. “I’ve missed you so much.” He smiles big, continuing to talk the entire time my hands are on his face.

“Look Charlie I need to say something before I walk away without saying it to you. I need you in my life, please don’t go away anymore. I know I pushed you away and was mean to you, you hafta know I only did it because I have that push-pull thing going. We made a mistake the last time, the sex. I don’t wanna ruin what we have with adding the sex. Look what happened.”

“Babe. I’m not going anywhere, I never left you. I just had stuff to do. I got tired of the bullshit here and yes you hurt me. Yes we carried it too far the last time and I freaked out too, but in a different way. I’m also back with CC, I’m going to seriously get my life together. Maybe we can look for a nice place to hang out together, because this place has gotten too crazy.”

Booze

I sipped my drink. I really wanted to jump on him there in the bar. I haven’t been satisfied at home. Sad, huh? That the sex just kind of fell off the list of shit to do. But when it comes to Charlie, he gives me the excitement I crave. I know that I can left the wildness go and not be too afraid. However, we can never do what happened when we both had a weak moment.

His phone starting ringing. He ends his call. “Babe, don’t get upset. Please. CC is on her way here. I’m just telling you so you can decide what you wanna do. I just want everyone to be comfortable and we both know how we are together. I just want it peaceful. I can’t afford to be in anymore trouble. I’m not telling you, but…maybe you should go back to the pool hall and I’ll come get ya when she leaves.”

“Nah, I’m good. I said my peace with you. I’m headed home. I don’t need anything more from you.”

“Remember what days I’m here. You can come see me any of those days.”

I left feeling emotionally high. Thinking I can pick myself back up off the ground now. Work on losing the extra pounds I gained when I just gave up. I felt I lost him. I felt awful about the way I treated him the last time I seen him. I could feel the alcohol kicking in. I felt good. Feeling whole. However, I know that Charlie was lying. I know that I wont hear from him. I know that he knows I blew smoke up his ass. Why do we do that? Why do we lie to each other? I haven’t figured that out yet. I know that we are dysfunctional and totally fucked up.

I’m not sure where all this is going to go, but my head is already reeling thinking about how & what I can do to “win” him back. Yet, I don’t want him nor can I have him in that way any more. I just want him to want me again, like he used to. When I got in my car I could smell him on my shirt. When I got home I took off the t-shirt, held it up to my nose and take a deep breath. His scent made the memories come flooding in to my head. I tossed the shirt in the laundry, took the dog for a walk. The evening air blew across me in the empty park and again I could smell him so strong. I felt a longing deep inside me. I miss him, but still a part of me is thankful he’s not mine. I continued walking the dog thinking of our past together & how I long for those….moments. Moments long since gone.

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are…

  • Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship.
  • A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel.
  • Fearing Abandonment, going to the extreme to prevent this. Real or imagined. Will try to control thoughts, intimidation, threats.

 

 

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