The madness is starting slowly. I can feel it. I’m pushing it forward, but then when it starts moving to fast. I’ll want it to stop but by that time it will be too late.
The impulsiveness of risky behavior. The hunt for that pleasure I crave so much. It’s even more difficult to control when I have a willing partner in crime. Tonight that partner made it very clear that they were very willing. I know how it will end. I know that the low will be really low. This “game” is too close. I played a “game” that was so close that I reached a new low reputation.
It’s always more fun when the allure of my entire foundation crumbling underneath my feet. That’s the addiction, there’s the rush.
What will happen next? I already know the answer. I’ll get attached, too attached. I’ll have to “bail” before I get to carried away with the rush. But I know I won’t be able to stop. As much as I try to pull away, to detach. I know I won’t be able to. I’m already in too deep.
A part of me wants to know how it will feel. A part of me wants to know what the sparks will feel like. will it be that same as the others or will it be different. Curiosity is a powerful pull towards the madness. If the crime satisfies my itch, I will feel the need to scratch more and more.
Since I know what I’m doing. How to I stop it? The impulsiveness? The addiction to the risky behavior? How do I turn and walk the other way? What do I put in its place?
I can’t sleep. Been awake since 1:30am, because the thoughts are so loud. I can’t drown them, oh yeah, I can “drown” them. However, that would take me further and faster down that hole. It was all fun & games until it was taken too seriously. The thing is, when I read about the “emptiness” I can feel that. Happily married with no fear of abandonment, no fear of rejection. He loves me to the center of the earth and back again. I know this, would bet my eternal soul on the bet. This is all about filling the void of emptiness, to feel…something, anything. Funny, that’s all I do…is feel-emotions. I feel the emotions of up & down. I know how this started. With a few extra pounds that have been gained over the winter. I begin to hear the words from my past. My father’s words, my grandfather’s words and now his words. Although his words are not meant to be malicious nor hurtful, merely out of concern for health reasons. Fear of looking like my mother, oh please no. My body is what I use…”knowing that we have the ability to interest and consume someone with our sexuality or ability to seduce them is a form of validation of our own self-worth.” – Haven
Keep in mind, this is not directed towards every person I meet. Just a selected few, that I put through a series of “tests” to deem them worthy of my time. Men, that will not return once I pull the plug on the experience, the adventure. Once my curiosity is satisfied and those men are used up, they’re set free, they can not return. There are two men that I adore, worship and put up on a shelf. I try not to mistreat or abuse them. However, they do not always the full sexual experience. They get everything else too, the tears, my time, my devotion and madness and clean up detail.
So I gained a few pounds, my self-image sinks down. I look for a fast & quick fix. Some can understand to what I am saying. It’s not the healthy way of shedding pounds. It’s a fast way to get the self-image, the esteem back up to a comfortable level. I need an ego boost. Anyway I can get it. It’s gonna be through acting out, bad behaviors. Tonight, I went out shopping, spending money. I even told him, “I needed that high of a good sale/purchase.” But I didn’t find it, didn’t achieve the high. Sometimes, when he is with me, I can’t get the high. Because I feel the guilt instead. Spending money we don’t really have to spend. But he’ll give into me, I don’t always like that. So, first its low self-esteem, then chasing the spending high, all the while getting the texts on my phone. The risky behavior picks up speed. FUCK! Monday is gonna be uncomfortable. Hang on, because the ride is picking up speed, we are creeping up the first hill of the roller coaster. You know that feeling you’re gonna get in your stomach when the coaster is at the top of the hill and begins to speed downward. It’s coming.
- sex addiction (vendettasvision.wordpress.com)
- Risky Behavior [NSFW] (sassycat3000.net)
- The weight of the world (halfofasoul.wordpress.com)
- Sex and Relationship Addiction and Anorexia (whatmesober.com)
- How Addiction and Co-dependency Distort Relationships by Marilisa Sachteleben (abayatfindingmyvoice.com)
- Sex addiction: This compulsive behaviour causes them more pain than pleasure (dnaindia.com)
- 10 Things You Discover About Yourself When You’re Diagnosed With Borderline Personality Disorder (thoughtcatalog.com)
- Sex Addiction – Causes and Compassion (yourspiritualtruth.com)