It’s starting again [BFMH2014]

The madness is starting slowly. I can feel it. I’m pushing it forward, but then when it starts moving to fast. I’ll want it to stop but by that time it will be too late.
The impulsiveness of risky behavior. The hunt for that pleasure I crave so much. It’s even more difficult to control when I have a willing partner in crime. Tonight that partner made it very clear that they were very willing. I know how it will end. I know that the low will be really low. This “game” is too close. I played a “game” that was so close that I reached a new low reputation.
It’s always more fun when the allure of my entire foundation crumbling underneath my feet. That’s the addiction, there’s the rush.
What will happen next? I already know the answer. I’ll get attached, too attached. I’ll have to “bail” before I get to carried away with the rush. But I know I won’t be able to stop. As much as I try to pull away, to detach. I know I won’t be able to. I’m already in too deep.
A part of me wants to know how it will feel. A part of me wants to know what the sparks will feel like. will it be that same as the others or will it be different. Curiosity is a powerful pull towards the madness. If the crime satisfies my itch, I will feel the need to scratch more and more.
Since I know what I’m doing. How to I stop it? The impulsiveness? The addiction to the risky behavior? How do I turn and walk the other way? What do I put in its place?

I can’t sleep. Been awake since 1:30am, because the thoughts are so loud. I can’t drown them, oh yeah, I can “drown” them. However, that would take me further and faster down that hole. It was all fun & games until it was taken too seriously. The thing is, when I read about the “emptiness” I can feel that. Happily married with no fear of abandonment, no fear of rejection. He loves me to the center of the earth and back again. I know this, would bet my eternal soul on the bet. This is all about filling the void of emptiness, to feel…something, anything. Funny, that’s all I do…is feel-emotions. I feel the emotions of up & down. I know how this started. With a few extra pounds that have been gained over the winter. I begin to hear the words from my past. My father’s words, my grandfather’s words and now his words. Although his words are not meant to be malicious nor hurtful, merely out of concern for health reasons. Fear of looking like my mother, oh please no. My body is what I use…”knowing that we have the ability to interest and consume someone with our sexuality or ability to seduce them is a form of validation of our own self-worth.” – Haven

Keep in mind, this is not directed towards every person I meet. Just a selected few, that I put through a series of “tests” to deem them worthy of my time. Men, that will not return once I pull the plug on the experience, the adventure. Once my curiosity is satisfied and those men are used up, they’re set free, they can not return. There are two men that I adore, worship and put up on a shelf. I try not to mistreat or abuse them. However, they do not always the full sexual experience. They get everything else too, the tears, my time, my devotion and madness and clean up detail.

So I gained a few pounds, my self-image sinks down. I look for a fast & quick fix. Some can understand to what I am saying. It’s not the healthy way of shedding pounds. It’s a fast way to get the self-image, the esteem back up to a comfortable level. I need an ego boost. Anyway I can get it. It’s gonna be through acting out, bad behaviors. Tonight, I went out shopping, spending money. I even told him, “I needed that high of a good sale/purchase.” But I didn’t find it, didn’t achieve the high. Sometimes, when he is with me, I can’t get the high. Because I feel the guilt instead. Spending money we don’t really have to spend. But he’ll give into me, I don’t always like that. So, first its low self-esteem, then chasing the spending high, all the while getting the texts on my phone. The risky behavior picks up speed. FUCK! Monday is gonna be uncomfortable. Hang on, because the ride is picking up speed, we are creeping up the first hill of the roller coaster. You know that feeling you’re gonna get in your stomach when the coaster is at the top of the hill and begins to speed downward. It’s coming.

Slowly, It’s Starting to Make Sense

Blog for Mental Health 2014 ProjectI’ve read a lot, since I’ve challenged myself to blog about certain mental health issues that I have.

One thing I have noticed is that more and more people are “coming out” with their illness. I foresee this to be more of a badge of popularity.  Maybe I’ve just been living behind the curtain of ignorance. Also, I view that this will be more of an online thing, not a society thing. In the real world, the world where you see that individual walking & talking to themselves at the bus stop as you drive by, having a mental illness won’t be a desired badge.

Like I said, maybe its just me. Looking at issues strangely, blindly. The reading I have done so far, makes my head hurt. That light bulb keeps turning on, due to all the thoughts connecting, shedding light on my life where there was darkness, mostly confusion.

I look back on my past behavior and think “Holy Shit!” Thankful that I’m not dead or living a life of unhappiness on a consist level. I looked at something today that I seen myself in.

Mistrust, Impulsivity -> Social Stress, Interpersonal Interactions -> Emotional distress, Impulsive Behavior, Paranoid Thinking-> Rejection of/distancing from others, Dissociation.

WOWZERS! Totally makes sense now. Wasn’t to keen on the idea of paranoid thinking. However, I can see it now. It’s what I used to call “over thinking” a person. I would replay thoughts or actions of a person over in my head to analysis their reaction. Then I would read into it that action more than was necessary. To this day I still attempt to analysis my interpersonal behaviors. Then there are times that when I completely pull away from people. I try to “read” others so that “fear of rejection” doesn’t become a reality. This is like being an addict. It’s one day at a time. Now that I have some knowledge, it’s learning how to break the dysfunctional cycle of thinking & behavior. Then again, I think everyone is mentally ill to some degree, some function better than others.  Some days are just better than others, sometimes feeling like I’m muddling through life. I feel awful about bringing kids into the world. Geez. How fucked up are they gonna be? Never mind, I already know the answer. Being raised by fucked up parents, I know…now I have fucked up kids. This can really be depressing to think about over & over & over. However, my kids look at me as kind of normal with a few issues that were the result of having fucked up parents. *laughing*

 

 

30MIAC Day 8

Day 8:  What age you were diagnosed at?  At what age do you think your symptoms began? (You can make a timeline)

I was recently diagnosed with the one “main” disorder. Just last year, after seeking professional advice about why I behaved, acted in the manner in which I did. I guess, I got tired of being sick & tired. Ha.

For my ADHD, I think I’ve always known I had it. It was dealt with mental, verbal abuse in parenting. I think back to my school age years, failing miserably in school. Getting yelled at when I got home about not doing trying hard enough. Going to catholic school, a child who couldn’t sit still was made to sit still. I learned quickly.

My PTSD was diagnosed after my motorcycle accident, has been confirmed after the last car accident in 2009. It was about 3-4 months after my motorcycle accident in 2004 when I started having the nightmares. It was when the doctor stopped giving me the medication for the pain. However, the doctors had told my Beloved in the hospital to look for behavior changes, mood swings, severe headaches and most importantly was personality changes. I would wake up from my dreams, sweaty, breathing heavy and just in a panic. It was like the pain meds numbed my memories. Once I could start remembering, I couldn’t stop remembering. The memories would crash into daily life. Once I dealt with those memories, talked about them over & over. I felt a bit better.

My car accident, triggered it all over again. I can hear the sound of smashing metal, brakes squealing. I can see the accident happen in my head like it just happened. But I will say this, As quickly as the memories flood in, the are quickly washed away as fast.

Every now & again I have minor anxiety attacks driving through intersections on a green light. When I don’t know when the light will change to red. Because the fucking bitch who hit me turned left on a green into oncoming traffic. I get a little jumpy, will slow down if I can’t see oncoming cars. I used to be a speed freak, reckless driving was a thrill. Which is a “symptom” of the bigger diagnosis. I would always be speeding, surprising I never had any serious accident when I was younger. All the accidents that I have ever had are always the other person’s fault.

The mild seasonal depression was acknowledged in 2007. Triggered by my only daughter moving out at age 17 to live with her 21 yr old boyfriend. I spiraled out of control that Christmas season. I had noticed years before that my behavior changed in September and lasted until February. However, in ’07 is when the SAD was at its worst. The drinking, drugs, the sex. All out of control. Anything to numb the lost of my child. The attitude became one of defiance & total disregard for any consequences for my actions.  I had looked back on my journals when I hit a bottom. I noticed a behavioral pattern. Mostly at work, I would get so rebellious that I would end up with some sort of suspension or verbal warning.

I was given the regular anti-depressant meds. I would try them out, hated the side effects. I finally settled on Cymbalta & Wellubrtin I would take those starting in late August til March. Now, I don’t take any of them. Why? Funny. But since I was falsely dismissed from my municipal job, I no longer feel stress & pressure. Hell I don’t even go to the Chiropractor monthly like I used to due to the migraines. Since understanding more about these issues, I have been working on different ways to cope. I think I do well now a days.

All these illnesses overlap, sometimes one will flare up more than the others. I just like knowing I’m not losing my mind. That I know why I am this way. What I can do to make my life better. Most important I know that my best friend is there for me. There to assist me with whatever I ask him. Admitting that I can’t do it alone.

 

 

Deleted [BFMH2014]

Ok, after looking at his Facebook page. I see he still has his X girlfriend on his page. He still has a cousin that he swore he can’t stand, because she’s a shit starter.

Yet, that son of a bitch, DELETED ME!
ME???!!!!
Seriously?!!!
This is OLD news, however, looking back on the recent text conversation, he still wanted to talk to me! UGH! GRRRRRRRRRR. The ultimate douche bag…and I fell for it!

So, just now before I finished this blog. I DELETED all of his information from my phone!
Including ALL previous text conversations.

FUCK that crazies fuckers! What was I thinking?! Right! I wasn’t. I was totally bored with my simple uneventful life. Well, I got a taste of what the other side is like. Too much Drama. It was completely exhausting.

I have cleaned out my iPhone contacts, texts and photos. WOW! More room for other things.  DONE!  NO more….

MmmmK, one thing. The winter season is approaching, this means that I get kind of nuts. I hope that I can find something to do, to keep me from going off in that same direction.

*rolling eyes*

Dated: September 25, 2012

 

The above was taken from my personal journal. It shows me how one of my symptoms looks in hind sight. I guess it’s that whole “intense emotional reaction” thing happening there. When someone does something to hurt me, intentional or intentional I completely over-react. Resulting in behavior represented in above’s journal entry.

I have noticed that certain people bring more drama to the table tend to make these types of behaviors re emerge from the depths that I had shoved them down into. I try not to over react, however, the emotions always seem to get the best of me. The acting out starts, wanting to hurt them like they hurt me. It becomes a battle of emotions. I will not forgive such actions against me. I will however, put on a happy face to them and wait for the opportunity in which I can return the favor of pain. Like I said this is not everyone that is in my life. It’s the ones that I allowed to get close enough to cut. Most often I do not allow people to get emotionally that close.

Looking back on this entry, I have not acted out like this since 2012. It seems that there are certain personality types that cause me to behave in such an ugly manner. Blogging for mental health, has assisted me in looking at my actions, behaviors and thoughts a bit differently now.  I may not help anyone else understand abnormal behavior, more important I can see myself through different eyes now.

Risky Behavior [NSFW]

When I started the Zero to Hero Challenge, one of the prompts was to check out the WordPress reader. To follow & connect to some other blogs, find a topic that sparks an interest.  I have stated that I will begin to  Blog for Mental Health.  Reading a few of the blogs, I started to think back to when I was younger & acting out. I had mentioned that one of my issues, symptoms (hate that word) is impulsivity, including forms of risky behaviors.  Another one is a feeling of emptiness, boredom. This combination is not a good one for me, because it leads into bigger problems. My journey is to better understand myself, the illness and my triggers, so I started re-reading some of my old journals. Below is a story that I put together from a decision that I made on May 23, xxxx.

 

G texts me this late afternoon. Surprisingly, I didn’t have my phone with me, it was upstairs. I missed his first text by 15 minutes.

hey i met a guy who has some stuff. Feel like partying a bit? I know you’re hurting.”
I am shocked by this. G must be watching my Facebook, having an idea of my emotional state. Why he thought I would “party” with him….ok, back in the day. I partied A LOT. BUT we are responsible adults now. RIGHT?!
WRONG!

Yes? No? Maybe?

Sure, I’ll try some.

where u wanna meet me?

where ever

when?

when ever ur ready

SWEET! u wanna fuk too?????

of course if u got time!

OHHHH I got time! lol

where & when?

upstairs..I’ll sneak u in @ 6

k..45 mins..c u soon

ya that cool?

yup

sweet…u wanna fuck?

always

i’m ready 😉 do a rail together and then FUK!

k…want me there now?

NO..not yet…just be here by 6

k

k

ETA 5mins

I start walking down the stairs.  I hear his voice at the top of the stairs. “Damn that was fast
I have a fast car now.

that foreign crap??!!!

shut up! its a sweet ride!

Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out the little plastic baggie. I begin to feel instant regret, guilt and that “what if I get caught” feeling. He checks his phone, trying to unwrap the baggie. Do you have a dollar?

NO! Having my purse would make noise and being without it makes for an easy escape.

Laughing loudly he says an easy escape! Ok, babe…here, I got a buck. I know you are down, thought this would help, BUT its a ONE time deal, you understand?!

I smiled, as if to say “thank god” I understand!

He put some on the table. He is trying to close the baggie. His phone goes off…hey cut that up.

ME??!!!

yeah don’t act like you don’t know what you’re doing! you aint innocent. And why you being so quiet? talk to me.

Ahhh, i’m used to us NOT talking due to you not wanting anyone to hear us and risking getting caught.

Well, just cut it up into two..one for me and one for you.

I did as I was told.

He did his, handing me the rolled up bill, I do mine. He walks around for a bit.

You feeling ok? Good, huh? I just nod. I couldn’t believe what I had just done. My stomach sunk to the floor, til the feeling hit me. I walked over to the window to get some air. He shut off the light in the kitchen, walking towards me, pulls me toward him. Kisses me, just like we used to. We stand there by the window, kissing passionately, tongues dancing. I like sucking on his tongue when he pushes it into my mouth. His hands make their way inside my jeans (no panties again) his hands on my ass cheeks, squeezing hard, pulling me tightly against him. My hands on his back holding him, all the while kissing.

He starts to unzip his pants. He strokes his cock just for a few seconds. I feel him getting hard. Pulling a chair out…

I’m suppose to sit there?! is that where you want me to sit? 

Yessss, let me do what I do best. I squat down, look up at him smiling. I love it when you watch me. Watch Me

He winks at me, nodding just once. I slowly take his cock into my mouth. Both hands on his clean shaven pubic area, my thumbs pushing his balls up towards my lower lip. I suck long strokes, when I reach the base I lick his balls, also gently massaging with my thumbs. I move one hand to his shaft, stroking & sucking at that same time. He leans his head on his hand, I look up and see his eyes are closed as if he is sleeping, but with a slight smile on his face, like he’s at peace, quickly opening his eyes, staring at me again.

I decide it’s time to ride his cock now. I stand up, taking off my pants. You wanna feel this in your pussy? As he strokes his cock a bit.

Yessss, can i?

would love tooYeah ride me babe..fast & hard. I mount him, guiding his hard member into my awaiting pussy. That amazing feeling when it first goes in. sigh. I’m getting off on just feeling deep inside me. He’s watching my face. I’m looking at his lips, not looking him in the eyes. Riding.  Up & down, then changing to sliding back & forth. His hands on my ass, spreading my cheeks apart, pushing & pulling me while he is holding on.

His hands move from there to my shirt, lifting my shirt, up with my bra. He sucks on one nipple, not hard like he usually does, his hand is on the other. I can’t hold off much longer, I start moving faster, breathing harder. He knew I had cum, just by the way my thighs were shaking, my vocal cues are enough for him to know. We kiss a few times more. I wanted to whisper his name, but I just couldn’t get it out of my mouth. His hands are back on my ass, he is moving up thrusting into me quickly.

Yeah baby yeah, just like that…fuckkkkk….yeah gimme your cum baby. His eyes were closed, head tilted back. I heard that deep moan. That was it. We stopped moving.

Ready? 

Yup 123. I stood up.  Our DNA mixture dripped onto his thigh.

Oh, look you got me! 

Opps sorry. Giggling as I walk towards the bathroom. I noticed that we both came a lot. I was really wet. He was already dressed by the time I returned.  He walked me to the door, wait right here! till i text you that’s its clear

WHAAAAA?!

I’m gonna go stand my the side door as cover!

             ohhh gotcha. I pretty much run to my car.

There’s the reckless, risky behavior I spoke about. I understand how I used the drugs & sex. In a strange way, I used those to fill the emptiness I was feeling at that time. It wasn’t about love or getting high, but more about feeling something.  It was about being distracted from whatever was really causing me pain at the moment in my life. Using both as some sort of band-aide, as if that would ease the true pain I was experiencing at the time. The sex was great, it always is when it’s like this. The rush of it all,  that becomes the addiction, right? Do I feel guilty about it, no. Should I?

After reading my journal entries  from years ago. I’m thankful that I learned something from that risky behavior. I learned to see some of my triggers. Not to hold everything inside. Not to be afraid to share with that special someone, who will do his best to listen, help and most important to me, is to say that everything is gonna be ok,  I’m right here with you. There are situations, incidents or even drama that might push me into that direction again.  Sometimes I have a very difficult time fighting the urge not to go back to that “Charlie Sheen lifestyle” as I like to call it. It’s all part of growing, maturing and understanding. Never boring that’s for sure.

 

My Labels [BFMH2014]

mia-challenge

One new direction my blog is taking for the year 2014 is writing about topics that are important to me. I’m important to me. A hobby of mine is human behavior. I wanna know why. Why do people drink? Why does he hit his wife? That kind of thing. I have been on a search in the past year to find out my “why’s.” My story starts here….

What is/are your mental illness(es)? Explain it a little.

Where is I start? OK, I have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This came about from my near death motorcycle accident. I suffered my very first panic attack 5 months after that accident in the local Walmart. I have not had one since that first attack. I have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder only with impulsiveness. I have another disorder, not sharing that one publicly. Not yet anyway. I found this out just last year. Knowing what, gave me the answers to my questions of why I act the way I do. That explains the risky behavior. The “Charlie Sheen” lifestyle, the irresponsibility for everything I did.

I was diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder. This was building up over more than a decade ago. I knew something was up with me, when my behaviors were causing major life problems, when they holidays were no longer enjoyed.  I would go back and read my hand written journals. The depression worsened the year my daughter “left” home at the age of 17. I spiraled downward. From that period, the Charlie Sheen lifestyle cost me my high paying job.

I attempted to pull myself up out of the hole I dug myself into. Then after years of being still, my world started to spin because of the people I started to hung out with. Again, the “Charlie Sheen” lifestyle picked up right where it left off. This time, I tangled myself up with a sociopath (well, I think he was). I was hooked, fascinated by his behavior. He & I were so much a like that even his wife mentioned “it’s like you should have been twins or you were separated at birth.”   I wanted to know “how, why, what” caused him to be like that. I figured if I could figure him out, I could “fix” me.  After the dust settled, I felt sick & wanted outside guidance to aid me in processing what I learned from that friendship. No, I’m not a sociopath. Maybe a few tendencies. My main overlapping symptom is impulsiveness. I grabs me from all directions.

I think back to when I was younger, damn. I joke now, back then I wasn’t laughing. I had outbursts of anger. Feeling only happy or sad or angry. Nothing else. I would always tell people to me everything is either black or white, there was no gray area. You’re either pregnant or you’re not. Simple. Until last year, I had no clue what it all meant.

I think with mental illness, it goes unnoticed. Unless a person ends up in the hospital due to some mental breakdown, overdose, suicide attempt. Some outside force is involved and brings the behavior to light. I think I got tired of not knowing why I do the things I do. I wanted the official diagnosis, if there was one. I thought just the attention deficit disorder, yet in the back of my mind I knew mental illness travel in pairs.

Emotional

I’m glad that I finally got the answers I was looking for. I will say this that I don’t hit many bottoms lately. I seldom ever share them, emotions are something to be kept to yourself. Never let them see you cry. The last few days, I’ve been in a half bottom. I don’t feel like I’m laid out on the floor, however, I noticed I pulled away from one of my co-workers. He cornered me today demanding to know “ok, what’s going on with you?” I told him, by the end of the conversation I had him smiling & laughing. WTF?! He said “you have to come in the driver’s room in the morning to start me up.” Afterwards, in the car, I thought “fuck, I want someone to start me up for a change.” I feel like I have to be “on.” Now, when shit hits, like with my Manchild. As a mother, I want to help him, but I can’t and then I cry. Compounded with the event at work, being “on” to make others laugh & smile. I’m exhausted & drained.

It’s times like this, that if the opportunity presents itself, the “Charlie Sheen” part of me with jump out for a good mind numbing time. The risky, restless  behaviors push their way to the surface. I’ll give myself until to Saturday to get this out of my system, I’ve got things I need to do.

 

 

Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project

“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.” – Lulu Stark

Just one of many directions my blog is going. I don’t think I could ever stop talking about sex or posting photos. I have read about picking a topic and sticking with that because my blog will not develop a fan base. Is that what it’s all about? The numbers, the comments? I’ll admit I’m an attention whore, however, I’ve finally made up my mind what I am doing. My readers can come along for the ride or get off at the next exit. Are ya ready?! Me too.

 

 

 

 

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