Emotionally Spent [BFMH]

Thursday I had a family visitation to attend. I received a phone call days earlier from my estranged father informing me that my one of my uncles had passed away. An uncle I remember who would bring his family over for Sunday dinners.

I was never super close to them, although we did attend the same high school. I hadn’t seen them since the 80’s. I don’t remember them attending my grandparents funeral, don’t remember much about the 80’s to be truthful, especially the late 80’s.

It was going to be tough going to this visitation to see family I no longer associated with. My ASPD issues were overshadowed by my BPD issues. I wasn’t that cocky arrogant person I used to be. I was fearful, anxious and borderline unstable.

My Beloved arrived home from work, I’m dressed and ready to go. “I really don’t want to go.”

“Go where?”

“REALLY?”

He sits there in the chair blank faced. I tell him that dinner is in the oven and I walk upstairs trying to maintain & contain my unstable emotions. I can feel the emotions starting to boil, lid is almost off the pot. I manage to pull myself together, in the back of my mind I’m concerned that my Beloved may have some health issues. I push that aside for the moment and I remained in my office. Because of the past history with my father and his second wife I need my Beloved to be my shield. I was hurt & angry that this event didn’t mean that much to him to remember. Then the rational part of me says it may not have been a big deal to him to remember, sometimes when you really don’t want to do something you tend to push it out of your mind, right? thus forgetting. I’ve done it to him, so I couldn’t be too mad at him.

I tossed back a shot of booze before leaving the house. While I was talking to my cousins and giving my condolences I felt a tug at my sweater. It was my estranged father. Looking old, just really old. He asked me if I wanted to meet my replacements. Since I had stopped talking to him in the early 2000’s my father had decided to “adopt” his cousins adult daughters. Girls he hadn’t had contact with through their youth yet suddenly they are one big happy family. These are also the girls (my cousins) who will inherit my share of the family estate. Should I be jealous or angry? Not really. I made my decision to stay away from the family.

My father reintroduced me to them as if for the first time meeting them. I could no longer tell them apart, they looked so much alike. They were married, to the same looking white guy with the same looking white kids with those white kid names. We all shook hands. I laughed and said “how formal of us to shake hands” they both looked at me strangely and their husbands laughed. I was standoffish, I know. My father said that he would be leaving shortly, I said my goodbyes to them. They said the polite thing of “it was nice to meet you.” REALLY?! We’re fucking cousins you goobers! UGH. I said “see you at the next funeral” as I turned to walk away.

My father & I had brief words. He told my youngest son a brief story about the family history. Made jabs at my Beloved for being overweight. He tried to make jabs at my son but being 6’4 and 240 pounds my father chose his words carefully. I felt only uncomfortable during this encounter. With nothing to say to my father, I didn’t want to have to speak loudly because he’s deaf now. I never acknowledged his wife, as I did see her standing there by the door. I waved goodbye to the remaining family and knew that this will be the last time I see them. As I was walking out of the door I remembered that I didn’t hug my father goodbye I was focused on just getting out the door quickly. I turned around to see where my shield & son were, my manchild was locked in a tight embrace with my father a strong & firm hug. I thought “oh fuck, I should probably do that too.” I turned back walked to him “see ya Pop.” Hugging him with that “back pat” type of hug. It was so uncomfortable for the both of us. I even laughed and said “oh how cute we both gave the back pat hug.” My Beloved laughed out loud as he knew exactly what I meant. My father stood there for a moment then chuckled. It was all very surreal with people standing in the background frozen and those photo collages of my uncle in the corners of the room.

It was all very emotional. When I have those type of days it’s normally followed by a day of fatigue but not wanting to sleep and sluggishness. A drain of my power source. Keeping to keep my borderline issues under control takes work. Today, I would be thrilled to be able to cuddle up in bed with Mr. Sam. It’s a cool gray day today and that would be perfect. Mr Sam has been occupied with the care of his ailing mother 24/7 until she is able to move about freely. I feel for him but that’s his decision.

When I get like this I seldom feel like going out for drinks at my regular Friday night dive bar. However, due to the encounter with my father I will be meeting a close friend to have a few drinks. Days like this I reach out to those closest to me because I need them to reenergize my power source. Its days like today when I question why Mr. Sam is around. I have that need to relief that numbness that I feel or perhaps I want to feel something besides what I’m feeling now. Sex was always great mood booster. I could always count on the endorphin release after a hard & dirty fucking. Who knows what the night holds in store for me…its still early.

His Darkness affects My Darkness

I don’t remember how long it took me to finally trust or to feel secure with my Beloved. It’s going on 20 years of insanity between us. Looking back I don’t think we had a lot of problems but outsiders looking in have told me that they thought we were getting divorced because of all the bickering.

Now that Mr. Sam has been in my life I can see where & how my insecurities crop up. For those of us who suffer from Borderline, having someone else who also has a mental illness only causes more issues that need to be addressed.

Caring for them both for them deeply, I don’t ever want to lose either one of them. However, at times one of them shuts down on me. I feel left out. I have no idea whats going on in that head of his. Sadly that the sociopath in me doesn’t care, but that’s with anyone. I’m not a person to ask lots of questions, unless I’m looking for something. I probably should ask questions because someone who suffers from chronic depression can easily slip down that slope into total darkness to be lost in their madness.

I always have to “emotionally vomit” on one of the important men in my life. Emotionally vomiting (my term that I always use) is when I have to get everything out of my being so that I don’t erupt on the wrong person or do or say something, anything that I will regret. So one day my Beloved asked me “Wait. Wait. Are you mad at me? Did I do or say anything to upset you? Is this directed at me?”

I laughed and said NO silly. I just need to vent so that I don’t explode. He breathed a huge sigh of relief. I continued. It’s what I do now. I vent on one of the two men, who ever is available at the time. Now if neither one is available then there is a problem because I get frustrated, impatient and restless. Those feelings then push me to do impulsive things, things I wouldn’t normally do, well maybe. Things that try to fill the emotional void. Sometimes I think I do things to make me feel, something, anything.

Emotions … acting without the benefit of intellect.

I know can see that communication is key in any relationship. But if one has a mental illness and shuts down then what? Do I get in their face and demand for them to talk? I won’t. I can’t. When it comes to Mr. Sam I am still walking on shaky ground. What bothers me the most is his inability to just tell me what he needs, if its space, time or a shoulder. Then again when someone is falling into their darkness how can they reach out? I know that he is not leaving me (yet) and I am not leaving him. I do enjoy his friendship, his tenderness and ability to see me for who I truly am.

The best thing for me is to keep my hands busy because when the mind has nothing to focus on then that’s when I get into trouble. I have tons of things to do. Things that I have neglected for months. But first things first, get some photos done and then finish up all those reviews I have.

After I published this post, one of the last songs Charlie had played for me came on my playlist. I floated away to that moment that our relationship was falling apart, but the lyrics to this song can now apply to Mr. Sam. I don’t ever want to lose him but yet a part of me knows nothing last forever. I will do what I do best when we get like this. If you wanna know the song you can find out by clicking this youtube link.

Jager Night

Friday night is my night to spend out at the bar drinking & socializing. Hanging out with Mr. Sam and the old crew. On this specific night I went out without telling Mr. Sam and was talking with my very friend. I felt guilty for not telling him, but a part of me felt like I was too close that I was getting dependent on him for my emotional needs.

And when I do that I tend to get burned, my involvement with my former PIC the notorious Charlie, has left me defensive and suspicious of any behaviors. I just felt that if i let my guard down with Mr Sam that nothing good can or would come from that. I know that I am living in a fantasy world, waiting for the castle that I built in the sky to crumble down to earth. I wanted to feel that independent feeling again, attached to no one. Yet even with my closest friends I felt alone. The more I drank, the more intense that feeling got. I still longed for Mr Sam to be there with me, yet I knew in the back of my mind my security blanket has always been my Beloved.alcohol

There are some behaviors that I have noticed with Mr Sam that reminds me of Charlie and my fear is that soon, in the near future we will become toxic for each other. Mr Sam is an alcoholic and so was Charlie. I still haven’t figured out why I need to have a drunk somewhere in the background of my life. Mr Sam understands me better than my Beloved does, which is a wonderful feeling. Trying to explain my issues, illness and other things to my Beloved can be exhausting, but Mr Sam always gets me.

When I arrived at my regular dive bar I text Mr Sam for him to come down to see me. I had drunk a lot by then, and had started drinking a lot of water. I wanted to have fun, experience that feeling I felt when Mr Sam & I first met. I didn’t want to get too drunk that I would be hung over in the morning but I wanted to hit my plateau as Mr Sam calls it. When I wasn’t looking Mr Sam order me a shot of jager. Jager can make me go either direction just depends on my mood. I can be easily angered by other buzzed people. The shot of jager got me to that plateau where I enjoyed a comfortable buzz until the bar closed.

An Open Letter [BFMH2017]

Sometimes I replay past events, situations over in my head.
Tonight I’m replaying Friday night and trying to figure out where it went wrong for me (& you).
I can’t see you tolerating a lot of this type of behavior from me in the future. I will say it again … that I do not like myself when I get like that. That the booze has caused me to say and do things I normally would push somewhere else.
But once again I let myself get to the point when I have no filter or no sensor to tell me to be quiet.
I’m sorry that I hurt you. I’m sorry that I treated you badly and that I kind of ruined that buzz we had going. Eventually you will grow wary of the continuous outbursts, disappointments and tantrums. Maybe not this week or next…but you will. Not saying that you would leave or dump me but you will change. And I don’t want you to change who you are because I’m acting awful.
I don’t know how it spun so quickly out of control for me.
Ok. Maybe I do. I was jealous once again, but not in the way you think but maybe insecurity. I hate when I get like that. I hate when I feel jealous, insecure for no reason. I get frustrated because I want everyone to know that you are mine, that you belong to me. But I can’t do that and it makes me mad.
In the car I know I hurt you, today you shut down on me again. I pushed you Friday night and today I seen it. I felt it. I said nothing until now, because I hadn’t processed it in my head. I know if the tables were turned I would want you to acknowledge your behavior and apologize.
My fear is that one…you’ll leave out of frustration of this behavior.
Two: that I will continue to act like this when I get jealous, feel ganged up on and feeling picked at.
I don’t mind when you tease me, pick at me in fun but when I ask you to stop and you continue, I get angry and lash out. Like the time at the bar when I hit you in the face. Which I hate myself for because I don’t like being disrespectful to someone I care about. But when I ask you to stop teasing me I just want you to respect that at that moment. It’s the same as if I said “stop” or “no” during sex. I know you wouldn’t keep doing it,right?
Unfortunately as you know those childhood wounds run deep.
I know that I always want you in my life. Even if we’re just being friends, I would be ok with that.
I’m sorry, I really am. I hope this makes sense to you and doesn’t make things worse. I love you.

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are….

Unstable Relationships. A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel.

Impulsive and Risky Behavior: such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship.

Emotions: Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days.

Impulsive Aggression: coupled with a highly reactive and unstable affect modulation. Thus, patients with BPD will respond to disappointment and frustrations with intense emotions like rage, fear of abandonment and dysphoria. Then serve to trigger the generation of an impulsive, often aggressive, response to the provocation.

Push-Pull Syndrome: A chronic pattern of sabotaging and re-establishing closeness in a relationship without appropriate cause or reason.

 

 

Tonight was a Mistake [BFMH2017]

I am the type of person who always needs to know why. Why people do the things they do. Why do I attract certain types of people? How do I change that?

Towards the end of Charlie & I, I thought if I could just figure him out then perhaps I could discover some of the reasons I do what I do.

I can’t see myself as a codependent that I keep attracting alcoholics into my life. However I am all too familiar with the addiction cycle. Chaos & drama are a few of my current addictions. But then there’s a time when I just want off the merry-go-round.

Having Charlie in my life I could live I vicariously through him without any danger or fear of dirtying up my life. But now I have found another alcoholic to fit into the void that Charlie left.

Charlie was pretty good when it came to the sex, in the beginning but towards the end it was getting bad. The dirtier the better, to the edge and over. This new one has fallen short of my expectations, I think it’s the booze. I’m thinking that the state of the body is at the level when danger is just down the road a few blocks.

I’ve been going back through all my material on addiction and looking for that one statement that lets me know that what I’m feeling & thinking about this situation is correct and a good decision. In the back of my mind I have an idea, I wanna ride this out to prove myself right. Why? So I can look in the mirror and say I told you so see!? I was right! Or to learn to stop doubting my gut instincts.

A jagerbomb was bought for me to drink. Because when I reach that plateau I am the life of the party. I’m the one the people in the bar like to watch because I can go either way. I could spin out of control by yelling, fighting or I could laugh and dance & sing to the songs playing on the jukebox. He so wanted me to get to that plateau, but not this time. I don’t think he expected to be at the receiving end of the yelling & arguing.

So Cat, whatcha gonna do?

I’m not sure yet. Doing the same behavior hasn’t done much in the past. Neither has letting all my walls down or putting them back up. I’ll probably do the same thing I started doing 19 years ago, that’s pushing the drunk out of my inner sanctum and locking him – forever. He will learn to be content in the walls of the other rooms but never again will he see the tears that the jagerbomb bought out tonight.

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are…

Unstable Relationships. A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel.

Impulsive and Risky Behavior: such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship.

Emotions: Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days.

 

 

 

 

 

[Even though the “Blog for Mental Health” meme has been disconnected I continued to share…I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.]

Emergency Exit

Sometimes I wish there was an “emergency exit” door on my life, during those situations when its awkward, uncomfortable or when I know that my behavior will have consequences. Last night was a perfect night for an emergency exit door. Some times I look for the exit door in my relationships. If I can’t find out I’ll make one or cause the other person to push me out of the door.

I guess I look for the exit when my emotions get too much for me. When I feel that I am losing or when I don’t want to deal with the issues at hand. Isn’t it easier just to walk out of that exit door than to have to look at those issues at hand?

Yeah, it’s a cop-out and a lot of people just walk out of the exit door of your life and don’t look back.emergency exit, sassycat3000, borderline personbality disorder, mental illness, blog for mental health awareness, latina sexblogger, a to z challenge

Being a borderline, my emotions are up & down and back & forth. My hand on the exit door handle, threatening to leave the person whom I wish most to connect with. The fear of being smothered mixed with the fear of losing my autonomy pushes me to the door every time. There were a few times that I walked out of the exit door of someone’s life, stood on the other side of the door frantically pulling on the handle attempting to re-enter from the emergency exit. Its impossible and can’t be done. I stand there completely alone, empty and wanting to feel something. Anything to remove the pain of my stupid mistake. Never meaning to hurt the one I love, but I did. Now I’m hurting as well. Now wtf?!

If you happen to fall in love with a Borderline, please know that it’s not you, its them. You need rules. You need to always be communicating with them and breaking everything down so that they understand as if they were a child, but never ever sound condescending. This will push them quicker than ice cream melting on a 90 degree summer day.

Here I stand looking at the emergency exit door. Just looking at it. Considering all my options. I’m not ready to walk through the door just yet.

What are My Strengths? [BFMH]

So what are my character strengths? It’s always difficult to answer these type of questions. I got help with this and took a very intense questionnaire to get the following results. Starting with my top strength, the following are my top 5.

  1.  Humor & Playfulness – Like to laugh and tease, bringing smiles to those that are important. I try to see the lighter side of the situation.  Not sure if this is correct because I don’t always look at the lighter side of intense situations not when it involves me. However, yes, for those in my inner circle I will try to make them laugh because it’s a way for me to cope with the situation and to cope with the fact that my loved one suffering whether emotional, physical or spiritual, etc.
  2.  Judgement, Critical Thinking and Open-Mindedness – Thinking things through and examining it from all sides are important aspects of who I am. I don’t jump to conclusions and I rely on solid evidence to make my decisions. Yes, this is true. I need the facts, just the facts to make my decision about an important situation. I need as much information as I can get and process. However, when I hear the word “judgement”, I think of judging others. Most of my close friends tell me I judge harshly. I try not too, but if someone is making a decision and I have already told them it’s bad, then I judge. Rolling my eyes at them, go help them if they try to share their shit with me after the damage has been done.
  3.  Capability to Love and Be Loved – I value close relations with others, those in which sharing & caring are reciprocated. The people I feel closest to are those people who feel closest to me. True. I ask myself a lot what is love because there are times I feel numb. I doubt that the feelings I have felt for others is love, friendship. However, I will not tolerate a one-sided relationship of any kind. I will end it if I feel I am giving of myself (too much) and getting nothing in return. I may not contact my close friend daily  but when they reach out, I am always there for them.sassycat3000, latina, mental health, emotional, moody, black and white brunette, depressed
  4.  Social Intelligence – I am aware of the motives & the feelings of other people. I know what to do to fit into different social settings and I know what to do to put others at ease. Yeah, this is true. However, I can go deep into this topic. First thing that came to me, is that I want to fit in and belong to a group. When I don’t get that right away I find it challenging to make it a goal to fit in. Once I get into the group, I tend break from that mold they want their members to fit into and get pushed back out of the group. But by then I no longer am interested in being part of that group. Two; I always say “there is a motive for every human action.” I want to know what’s pushing them to do what they do. Most of the time I can feel what my close friends are feeling, I try to turn the tables so they can then see it from the other side. However, most of the time I can’t do this for myself. I need someone to turn the table for me.
  5.  Honest, Authenticity and Genuineness – I am an honest person. Not only by speaking, but by living an authentic & genuine life. I am down to earth and without pretense. I am a “real” person. I would disagree with this one. I am honest with it benefits me. I can be brutally honest to where I unintentionally hurt the other persons feelings.  I do not live a truthful, authentic life. I did once upon a time, now I’m lying to myself and others.

From A Borderline to Antisocial [BFMH17]

I had mentioned a while back that I started back to attending counseling. I have done this off & on during my life, but never with a clear goal or a full diagnosis of my mental issues. It’s been 6 years or so since I first went for all the testing. At that time the shrink was to type a written report for my counselor.

After a few sessions I felt that I could stop attending and that I had enough of a head start that I could work on some of my issues myself. Also that the insurance was giving us a difficult time about paying the medical bills. Another reason I stopped attending.

Now that I started going back weekly since January of this year. I finally had a written report with the results of the testing. I was given a general personality disorder no longer was there a mention of Borderline, but this time was antisocial personality disorder.

WHAT!? I’m a sociopath?! FUCKING COOL.

HAHA. Nah, not to the full extend of what a person sees in the movies. A high-functioning sociopath. Like Sherlock Holmes?! LOL

My counselor at the time was waiting for the written results and after reading the hand written notes and speaking with me. He mentioned “borderline.” Suggested that I research the subject and see if I could relate to that. Which I very much could relate to a lot of it. We went on that assumption that I was/am borderline. BUT now, he is suggesting since the shrink wrote in the formal report that I am some antisocial traits that we should look at those closely.

He read off the list of required criteria and I sat there as if none of those applied to me. So he again read through the list only this time giving what he thought were examples of each from some of the things that I shared in some sessions.

Here is the current description & criteria

* A pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others, occurring since age 15 years, as indicated by at least 3 of the following:

      Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest.

     Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure.

     Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead.

     Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults.

     Reckless disregard for safety of self or others.

     Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations.

     Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another.

Well, the ones that are boldly highlighted are the ones I could most relate to, I still think that I am more Borderline than I am Antisocial. And yes, I do feel some sense of remorse for those people who are in my inner circles. The ones I feel a sense of loyalty too, and another reason I don’t think this qualifies me is because these behaviors have to have started in early childhood. And in adulthood the behaviors tend to worsen, but mine remain the same.

However, there is a certain type of person, certain or specific people who bring out these behaviors. Charlie was one of them, toxic. Toxic people tend to bring out these behaviors in full force. I don’t like that because I worked hard to keep my shit together. One of the main reasons I begged Charlie to let me go, I couldn’t stand the person I was turning back into.

I just don’t think this is me at all.

 

 

 

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