An Open Letter [BFMH2017]

Sometimes I replay past events, situations over in my head.
Tonight I’m replaying Friday night and trying to figure out where it went wrong for me (& you).
I can’t see you tolerating a lot of this type of behavior from me in the future. I will say it again … that I do not like myself when I get like that. That the booze has caused me to say and do things I normally would push somewhere else.
But once again I let myself get to the point when I have no filter or no sensor to tell me to be quiet.
I’m sorry that I hurt you. I’m sorry that I treated you badly and that I kind of ruined that buzz we had going. Eventually you will grow wary of the continuous outbursts, disappointments and tantrums. Maybe not this week or next…but you will. Not saying that you would leave or dump me but you will change. And I don’t want you to change who you are because I’m acting awful.
I don’t know how it spun so quickly out of control for me.
Ok. Maybe I do. I was jealous once again, but not in the way you think but maybe insecurity. I hate when I get like that. I hate when I feel jealous, insecure for no reason. I get frustrated because I want everyone to know that you are mine, that you belong to me. But I can’t do that and it makes me mad.
In the car I know I hurt you, today you shut down on me again. I pushed you Friday night and today I seen it. I felt it. I said nothing until now, because I hadn’t processed it in my head. I know if the tables were turned I would want you to acknowledge your behavior and apologize.
My fear is that one…you’ll leave out of frustration of this behavior.
Two: that I will continue to act like this when I get jealous, feel ganged up on and feeling picked at.
I don’t mind when you tease me, pick at me in fun but when I ask you to stop and you continue, I get angry and lash out. Like the time at the bar when I hit you in the face. Which I hate myself for because I don’t like being disrespectful to someone I care about. But when I ask you to stop teasing me I just want you to respect that at that moment. It’s the same as if I said “stop” or “no” during sex. I know you wouldn’t keep doing it,right?
Unfortunately as you know those childhood wounds run deep.
I know that I always want you in my life. Even if we’re just being friends, I would be ok with that.
I’m sorry, I really am. I hope this makes sense to you and doesn’t make things worse. I love you.

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are….

Unstable Relationships. A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel.

Impulsive and Risky Behavior: such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship.

Emotions: Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days.

Impulsive Aggression: coupled with a highly reactive and unstable affect modulation. Thus, patients with BPD will respond to disappointment and frustrations with intense emotions like rage, fear of abandonment and dysphoria. Then serve to trigger the generation of an impulsive, often aggressive, response to the provocation.

Push-Pull Syndrome: A chronic pattern of sabotaging and re-establishing closeness in a relationship without appropriate cause or reason.

 

 

Emergency Exit

Sometimes I wish there was an “emergency exit” door on my life, during those situations when its awkward, uncomfortable or when I know that my behavior will have consequences. Last night was a perfect night for an emergency exit door. Some times I look for the exit door in my relationships. If I can’t find out I’ll make one or cause the other person to push me out of the door.

I guess I look for the exit when my emotions get too much for me. When I feel that I am losing or when I don’t want to deal with the issues at hand. Isn’t it easier just to walk out of that exit door than to have to look at those issues at hand?

Yeah, it’s a cop-out and a lot of people just walk out of the exit door of your life and don’t look back.emergency exit, sassycat3000, borderline personbality disorder, mental illness, blog for mental health awareness, latina sexblogger, a to z challenge

Being a borderline, my emotions are up & down and back & forth. My hand on the exit door handle, threatening to leave the person whom I wish most to connect with. The fear of being smothered mixed with the fear of losing my autonomy pushes me to the door every time. There were a few times that I walked out of the exit door of someone’s life, stood on the other side of the door frantically pulling on the handle attempting to re-enter from the emergency exit. Its impossible and can’t be done. I stand there completely alone, empty and wanting to feel something. Anything to remove the pain of my stupid mistake. Never meaning to hurt the one I love, but I did. Now I’m hurting as well. Now wtf?!

If you happen to fall in love with a Borderline, please know that it’s not you, its them. You need rules. You need to always be communicating with them and breaking everything down so that they understand as if they were a child, but never ever sound condescending. This will push them quicker than ice cream melting on a 90 degree summer day.

Here I stand looking at the emergency exit door. Just looking at it. Considering all my options. I’m not ready to walk through the door just yet.

What are My Strengths? [BFMH]

So what are my character strengths? It’s always difficult to answer these type of questions. I got help with this and took a very intense questionnaire to get the following results. Starting with my top strength, the following are my top 5.

  1.  Humor & Playfulness – Like to laugh and tease, bringing smiles to those that are important. I try to see the lighter side of the situation.  Not sure if this is correct because I don’t always look at the lighter side of intense situations not when it involves me. However, yes, for those in my inner circle I will try to make them laugh because it’s a way for me to cope with the situation and to cope with the fact that my loved one suffering whether emotional, physical or spiritual, etc.
  2.  Judgement, Critical Thinking and Open-Mindedness – Thinking things through and examining it from all sides are important aspects of who I am. I don’t jump to conclusions and I rely on solid evidence to make my decisions. Yes, this is true. I need the facts, just the facts to make my decision about an important situation. I need as much information as I can get and process. However, when I hear the word “judgement”, I think of judging others. Most of my close friends tell me I judge harshly. I try not too, but if someone is making a decision and I have already told them it’s bad, then I judge. Rolling my eyes at them, go help them if they try to share their shit with me after the damage has been done.
  3.  Capability to Love and Be Loved – I value close relations with others, those in which sharing & caring are reciprocated. The people I feel closest to are those people who feel closest to me. True. I ask myself a lot what is love because there are times I feel numb. I doubt that the feelings I have felt for others is love, friendship. However, I will not tolerate a one-sided relationship of any kind. I will end it if I feel I am giving of myself (too much) and getting nothing in return. I may not contact my close friend daily  but when they reach out, I am always there for them.sassycat3000, latina, mental health, emotional, moody, black and white brunette, depressed
  4.  Social Intelligence – I am aware of the motives & the feelings of other people. I know what to do to fit into different social settings and I know what to do to put others at ease. Yeah, this is true. However, I can go deep into this topic. First thing that came to me, is that I want to fit in and belong to a group. When I don’t get that right away I find it challenging to make it a goal to fit in. Once I get into the group, I tend break from that mold they want their members to fit into and get pushed back out of the group. But by then I no longer am interested in being part of that group. Two; I always say “there is a motive for every human action.” I want to know what’s pushing them to do what they do. Most of the time I can feel what my close friends are feeling, I try to turn the tables so they can then see it from the other side. However, most of the time I can’t do this for myself. I need someone to turn the table for me.
  5.  Honest, Authenticity and Genuineness – I am an honest person. Not only by speaking, but by living an authentic & genuine life. I am down to earth and without pretense. I am a “real” person. I would disagree with this one. I am honest with it benefits me. I can be brutally honest to where I unintentionally hurt the other persons feelings.  I do not live a truthful, authentic life. I did once upon a time, now I’m lying to myself and others.

The Mental Torment of A Lustful Wife

Spending the NYE with Mr. Sam and it was all fun until he asked,

“Can I see you tomorrow for a little?”

I replied with “are you seriously asking to see me tomorrow?”

“Yes is that ok?”

“No I don’t normally leave my house on Sunday.”

“Ok.”

“Thanks for understanding.” 

He replied “I said ok not that I understand.”

And with that statement I felt fearful. Fearful for how this could end in the future. For one of those men who will do anything and I mean anything to keep me from leaving. Whether it’s through emotional manipulation or physical violence.  He sounded like he may be joking but the truth often comes out in jest.copyright2016@sassycat3000.net, Borderline, BPD, moody, unstable relationships, empty.

I also thought that how I do things so that people will like me, not to leave me and accept me. But the rational part of my brain tells me different. The mental torment in my mind is overwhelming. I also think that it’s so unfair for me to put this all on my Beloved. Because he is the one who will end up “fixing” my fuck up. Borderline people don’t mean to hurt their loved ones its just something that happens due in most part to their impulsive behavior. When the borderline is accepting to feed their ego, things get out of control fast.

I want the sex from Mr. Sam, but not at the cost of my home security. But I still want the sex. To feel the heat from his body, to feel each forceful thrust, to smell him, taste him. I wanna feel all those chemicals released in my brain, to feel high from the sex.

But pain and disloyalty I would cause my Beloved would break my heart. He doesn’t deserve this treatment from me, he’s done everything to please me, to accept me and mostly to love me.

READ MORE ABOUT Mr. SAM HERE

I just have to figure out how to get out of this mess I created for myself. Discreetly, gracefully. And mostly I don’t want to hurt Mr. Sam. He’s a fragile, kind and thoughtful person. He does have a good heart. Maybe misguided, misunderstood he’s still a human being with feelings.

He is hard to get a read on, most men I can figure out rather quickly not Mr. Sam. Perhaps that’s why I cant let him go. The need to find out what makes him tick is strong. Ugh. WTF! Someone just kick me in the head.

 

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are….

  • The inability to say NO. Borderlines are afraid to say no out of fear of rejection, judgment.
  • Relationships: A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
  • Attachment fears.
  • Addiction to chaos and drama.
  • Lying and deceitfulness, mixed messages, self-contradicting.
  • Self-sabotage.

 

[I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2017 (2014 Project). I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma].

Getting a Bit out of Control

Since I’ve become acquainted with Mr. Sam I have been at the bar more and more. It’s an excuse for me to be out, to drink and to visit with him. Charlie created specific appearance for me to have while at the bar, he accomplished this without me being aware of what he was doing. Recently I have crawled outside the box he designed for me.
Now I have a choice. I can stay inside that box he designed for me or I can be the apparent semi-slutty wild chick I’ve behaved like.
I’m leaning more towards the second because I’ve already been behaving that way. So much so I think I have been labeled now. Labeled by Charlie’s crew, its like they understand the cat is away and the kitty is left all alone. They forget I’m married. FUCK I forget I’m married. When I’m home now, he is loving, understanding and gives me that tender love he thinks I want or need to keep me from straying. He says “I love you” a lot more. He praises me a lot more, but not in a way that makes it obvious to me. Because he does it more when I’ve returned from the bar.
My BPD symptoms have been thrust into over drive regarding Mr. Sam. I noticed that he has several Facebook profiles. Why? Why does one need that many? He only has a few family members on each one. There’s always been something about him I couldn’t quite place my finger on, but when he told me his secret, I felt that some relief. But starting last night, I can’t help with think …

WHAT THE FUCK am I doing!!!!????
Since I met you I’ve been crazy
Since I’ve been with you I’ve been lost
You make everything see hazy
Love comes with such a cost
Have I lost my mind?……..Follow Me Down by The Pretty Reckless.

This song played out in my head today. I feel crazy when I’m with Mr. Sam.
There is so much about him I don’t know. Yet I’m not afraid yet I feel no trust. It’s not like there are people who can vouch for him here. He doesn’t know anyone here.
What man says “we have a connection” with in a few months or even weeks of knowing each other. Yes, I feel it, like we have been acquaintances at the bar.
Asking me how I feel about him, telling me he will wait for me and that he is happy with having me in my current circumstances. Talking about love as if is was that simple.
Is it that simple?

Someone tell me..is it? Or I am simply mad?

READ ABOUT MR. SAM FROM THE BEGINNING
Being a person with Borderline, I truly don’t know what love is. I know the concept of loyalty, a version of love I was sold to believe by Walk Disney. I’m too emotionally unstable now. Thoughts swirling around in my head, trying to process what I felt about Mr. Sam. Is what I’m feeling love or lust? Or is it the symptoms of my illness I act impulsively, acting out in risky behaviors. Like unsafe sex, stranger sex and sex that feels so good you get addicted to it.

borderline meltdown, sassycat3000, mental illness, emotional, latina blogger
Over the past few weeks, Mr. Sam has come out to see me while I’m out. We always end up in my car, talking and then making out. No sex. Lots of kissing and lots of talking. I can’t believe I’m even sharing this here, but…but I think this may be important for my future story sharing and my sex life. Because I think Mr. Sam is stirring things up in me that have been stagnant. Not saying that life with my Beloved isn’t fulfilling, but sometimes its dull & boring for me. I’m sure it is for him, but we are like most couples in the sense we accept that we have different likes & needs in this area. This is another story for another time.
Mr. Sam seems like that type of man who loves hard, who also has an issue with letting someone go when they wanna leave. Which I think could be dangerous for me and my life. But there is still something about him that draws me in. He’s a dark and broken soul. But part of him scares me, especially when he wants a solid yes or no answer that I have feelings for him. The fact he can be happy with this arrangement. What kind of man does that? Weird thing is he hasn’t pushed the sex issue at all, he jokes about it. It’s mostly sexual innuendo. There is no pressure for me to have sex with him.
I think he has deep seeded issues that I am trying to see. Why? Why the fuck do I care? And this leads up to being at the bar where Charlie & I used to hang out at. Meeting Mr. Sam there has brought a lot of attention to me. The guys treat me differently, trying to feel me up, making sexual comments to me.  But its only when they have been drinking but never a serious threat towards me. That’s the other thing that pulled me down, those rumors that I’ve heard about me. That I am “seeing” Mr. Sam on the side, having an affair. Ok, sure I admit kissing him and being attracted to him, but I’m still on the fence about fucking him or even carrying on with him. I’m not saying no to the idea but not yes either. Just riding with it for now.
But the rumors are by the PHG because a few of them have seen us together during the week. We were being antisocial to the others. Only because of the lies that were told by one of them about Mr. Sam. I’m not sure about all the shit either. FUCK. All this fucking shit pulled me down a well of darkness. Crying all day. I couldn’t stop at the end of the day, then I couldn’t sleep either. I haven’t been like this in months. I feel so lost that I scheduled an appointment with my counselor for this week. I haven’t had a session with her since my first informal diagnosis.  That should say something about this meltdown I had yesterday. That I’m reaching out for a direction in which I should go,  for an answer to why the fuck I’m doing this. Part of me thinks I’m trying to replace Charlie, to fill the chaos and drama with my own instead of his.  Make sense?

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are….

  •  Impulsive and Risky Behavior: such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship.
  • Emotions: Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days. (Anger is the current mood I’m feeling stemming from the rejection).
  • Feeling like others are out to get you. Paranoid Thoughts.
  • Believing that You should not feel this way. Self-invalidating thoughts.
  • Unstable Relationships. A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel.

 

There’s Always a Motive with Charlie

I figured since I made it past Halloween that he was gone from my life. Most sociopaths leave after they have used up all the resources of their current victim. However, we have a strange bond I have yet to put my finger on. Being involved with a sociopath is a difficult and strenuous game. I would not recommend playing this game at all. It’s too easy to lose direction, your goal and most important your sanity. I have been sick for about 4 weeks now. Coughing most of the night, not sleeping well. I heard my phone vibrate, since I was already awake I figured I would look at it.

The text was from Charlie

“don’t know me still??!!

I know you! wassup?

mhmmm. wtf u been doing? not talking to me i know that much. but anything else interesting?

I figured you were busy.

(I lied) nothing interesting, just been sick the last few weeks. wassup with you besides drama?!

lol IDGAF everyone’s always in my biz but they always twist it up.

that’s the truth. what I hate is folks telling me about your shit. like one of your exes telling me you gave her your new number.

aha. she never used it. thing is that folks always add on to the story they tell about me.

true again. the stories are never boring for sure.

oh no?! why would they be that? hafta make juicy.

tacos tomorrow?!

it’s what we used to do, back in the day. then onto drinks, partying all long and running & gunning.

mmm tacos. not sure. I have other commitments (which I do, every night).

ahhh well just saying. well let me know when u can get away then…love to hang out with you again.”

Here is where I begin to see some of the motivation behind his contact.  The holidays soon approach, I was the one who can most relate to his loneliness and despair during the holiday season. I also know that he must be without a current victim. Someone who he calls, sucks up to to get what he needs & wants. Whatever that might be at the time. Otherwise he wouldn’t be texting me.

“it would be fun hanging with you too. but don’t think i would be able to anytime soon. we are so dysfunctional.

well, duh!!! well i’m sure u can work it out. U ALWAYS do!!!

true. but I’m trying to be responsbile. aren’t you working?

yup. i’m here. tired, bored and hungry.

Anything else new with you, that i don’t know about?

all about US!!! DUH

yes it is. there is always motivation behind all of our selfish actions. blog for mental health

This is where I let him know that I am aware of his selfishly motivated need to reach out to me. He wants or needs something from me, but what that is I am not sure of yet.

naaa. nothing really new. just working on that old case from C. (the crazy cunt, i call her). I hired a new lawyer.

oh. that case isn’t closed yet?! damn almost a year now.

nope. ain’t closed yet. they wanna gimme 1-3 and i ain’t going to the joint because of some crazy bitch.

(He sends me a photo of himself & a new girl in costume from this past Halloween).

oh your new girl? how cute.

nah just a friend.

i aint your momma or wife aint gotta lie

FRIEND! she already told me i’m too flirty with everyone so she could never be with me

you can wear her down, if you wanted too. if you go to jail, i’ll write you! lol

lol better come SEE me! yeah and u know babe, THAT’s too much work for me to try & wear them wear down

I ain’t driving more than 50 miles! lol there is always another one standing in line behind her.

EXACTLY!

ppl like us always have our next victim ready, move on to the next after bleeding the first dry.

This is my way of letting him know I still remember what he’s all about. How he acts, how he thinks.

lol ain’t gotta put it all like that honey. but it’s true.

it’s what we do and who we are.

I used to think like this, at times I still do. It just really depends on the person. Anymore, it’s just a matter of time before they leave my life. There are few actual friends that I have remaining in my life, for whatever the reason. I’ve been told on numerous occasions that I’m mean, heartless and at times manipulative. I will remain loyal to those friends who are in my life. I will do what I can, when I can. I will always be there for them when I can. It’s those others who for some reason, don’t click with me are the ones that don’t remain in my life.

ah well, guess it is what it is. just know i’m done with that love shit! never worked for me! see you should come out here to the parking lot…dark… secluded and i miss your lips!!!

And here we are! the admission of never longer looking for love and waiting me to visit him. His offering of a hint of what he thinks I crave & desire from him.


This is an old post that I found buried in my drafts folder. This was last year around this time. We started falling apart after this time period. As long toxic and dysfunctional relationships we couldn’t seem to let go of each other until we had no choice in the matter. Sadly, I keep thinking I can replace him with someone. How twisted is that?! Like most recovering junkies I’m trying to find another fix, but there isn’t one. This is all part of the insanity, torn in two.

I have written the end to this chapter of Charlie.

Feeling Out of Sorts [BFMH2016]

Tonight I was in the mood to have an adult beverage. I like going after work, stopping in with the work crowd. I seemed some out spaceytonight, Astro got a bit annoyed with me with I dropped the darts off the table. I’m not normally out of sorts. Not sure why I was, but I know that the alcohol hit me quick. I only had two bottles and then I left for home.henrys hard soda, alcohol, the bar

Before I left. A guy walked into the joint, I thought for a moment I thought it was Charlie. But then I remembered that Charlie is away at camp. This guy sat in the same spot that was reserved for Charlie. He spoke to Charlies old crew. I asked a friend of a friend “Who is that guy? I’ve hadn’t seen him in here before?” One of the friends says “that’s Charlie.”

I said nothing, just sat there for a second. Then the other friend said “No that’s not Charlie, he’s away at camp. He’ll be there for a while.” Again I’m sitting there spaced out, missing Charlie and wishing I would have told him that I was sorry. Why does it always end up that way? The last time is always the worst time, ending a relationship on a horrible note. Anyway, has my mind is wandering in that last moment Charlie & I were together Stan walks up to me.

Stan is an older gentleman who went down hill when his wife passed away last year. He couldn’t seem to keep it together. He is a really sweet old guy. He taps me on the shoulder and asks “How’s your brother? Is he still at camp? No way for him to get out, huh? Going to stay there for a long time, huh? He’s a good guy but made some bad decisions.” Now the one friend who said that Charlie was away also had a brief fling with him. She had been one of my replacements when I was taking a break from him. She is seriously a broken chick. She has talked to me, helped me take a mutual friend home because she was too drunk to drive. But at no time did I ever tell her who I am.

Everyone in the bar treats me differently than the others. Charlie’s other girls never stayed very long. But I’m the one everyone knows, who gets the respect of being Charlie’s girl. God how I miss his toxic behavior in my life. And I only miss it because his behavior kept me grounded. Grounded you say? Well in the way that Charlie acted out for the both of us and then I didn’t have to. I didn’t have to put my life on the line, by acting out impulsively. Sure I did with Charlie, the sex, the drugs, the booze and the running game and hustle. I was kept close to him, I felt safe in a twisted way. I guess that’s way I miss him. He’s the crazy part of me, always running. But when I get tired, exhausted and want to try to be normal I go home. Where I hide myself from the world.

As I sat there in the bar, I looked around at the people sitting there. Decided the best thing for me right now would be to go home. And so I did.

[Even though the “Blog for Mental Health” meme has been disconnected I continued to share…I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.]

Why are we even friends on Facebook? [bfmh2016]

Recently had a set back with my borderline issues. These symptoms run deep, now active due to my phase of low self-esteem, from gaining weight, losing most of my muses and Charlie’s time away. (acknowledging my vulnerable factors or the triggers that pushed me).Grey-haired man at the pool hall

I have been included with a small group of patrons at my watering hole. Slowly I have been accepted into their little group. I’m always leery when things like this happen, I always think that they are wanting something from me, whatever that may be. I’m not sure what to do or how to act. It’s showtime. Time to turn into the  “trained monkey.” That person they point at and say “OMG…look Cat’s dancing on the tables again” or “Cat, is so much fun, invite her to the party!”

I’ve tried to keep my distance from them for a while because of my fear of rejection, not knowing how to act in their group. When they started inviting me to their birthday parties, dinners and out for drinks I agreed to attend. I wanted to be part of something. Who doesn’t? However, being part of a group like this can be tricky to maneuver through. Eventually they started friend requesting me on Facebook, which is ok. Until one of them, Sam found me here. So far he has not posed any cause for alarm. My only fear is that Sam reads this or any other writings that refer to him or the group.

I have noticed that Sam, even though he is fairly new to the group seems to have jumped the ranks and is in the inner circle. I wonder how this is possible. Is it because he’s a guy? Maybe there is something else going on behind the scenes. Sam is a friendly & nice guy, new to the area …. but there is something about him that I just can’t put my finger on. He’s tall, average to slender build with salt & pepper hair. There is a story behind him & I, which I will try to explain later.

But first let me tell you about the borderline issues that are at work here.Friend Cod Dinner

A week ago the group all went out for dinner, I got a little out of hand. I did some things that haunt me. My behavior was not the greatest, now that Charlie isn’t around I’m acting out more than ever. I used to think that he was a total ass, but now I see that at those times he was really protecting me from myself. Because without him to balance me out I become even more impulsive, dangerously so. Especially when my feelings aren’t satisfied. I do things that are harmful to myself and my life. Keep an eye open for those future stories.

A few days ago, Sam let me know that T1 & T2 wanted to talk to him. T1 apologized for his behavior that night. However, I didn’t get an apology nor a phone call inviting me to come out with the others like Sam did. That didn’t upset me as much until I noticed that T1 wrote on Sam’s FB wall. Wait. What? I can’t see it?! I should be able to see it, right because I can see something on Sam’s page and T1 is friends with me. Does that mean that T1 has me blocked or in a restricted group that I can’t see his posts? I thought I was part of this little group. I guess I was wrong. This is a  major trigger for me. I’ve been rejection yet I’m suppose to be part of this group. OH! Don’t even get me started on all the back talking and gossip that goes on. I’m sure that my actions on last Friday didn’t help me any.

I decided that if they don’t want me to read their shared posts, they don’t need to see mine. I decided to alienate myself from them. I created a group just for them so that they won’t see any of my posts anymore. I didn’t want to unfriend them because that only causes confrontations and more gossip. I have also decided to avoid them as much as possible. I won’t be going to the pool hall for a while because of my avoidance. Also if any of them invite me out to dinner again I’m planning on declining. I could play it like this…decline the invite yet show up at the bar next door and lie, if they say anything to me. All depends on how I feel on the day.

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are

  • Impulsive Aggression: coupled with a highly reactive and unstable affect modulation. Thus, patients with BPD will respond to disappointment and frustrations with intense emotions like rage, fear of abandonment and dysphoria. Then serve to trigger the generation of an impulsive, often aggressive, response to the provocation.  via psychiatrictimes.com
    • Examples: Waking a sleeping partner to yell & scream at them.
      • A BPD woman throwing her partners cell phone because she thinks he’s sexting/cheating with another woman.
      • Destroying a partner’s belongings while they are not at home.
      • Suddenly hitting someone during an argument.
  • Impulsive and Risky Behavior: such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship.
  • Emotions: Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days. (Anger is the current mood I’m feeling stemming from the rejection).
  • Relationships: A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
  • Alienation: The act of cutting off or interfering with an individual’s relationships with others.
  • Push-Pull Syndrome: A chronic pattern of sabotaging and re-establishing closeness in a relationship without appropriate cause or reason.

Helpful Hints

Keep in mind that loving a Borderline is not for everyone. It’s trying, frustrating and draining, but it can also be one of the most exciting rides of your life. IF you know what to do and what not to do during a “crisis.”

  • First and foremost, talk with your Borderline loved one or bring in a neutral party to aid you if you are unable to successfully. Because you need to know what your Borderline wants, needs and expects.
  • We have a rule in our home that if I have an “outburst” neither one of us can leave the home. We can however can retreat to different areas of the house until I calm down or when I am ready to talk in a civil manner.
  • If you are in a public place I would suggest making sure your Borderline loved one is safe and I would remove myself from the situation. Especially if you know that you will or can get “sucked” in to a type of circular conversation which could lead to the Borderline to act impulsively and aggressively.
  • Try to explain to the best of your ability what and why you are leaving.
  • Speak in a calm voice. That always works for me when I’m overly exciting. Being overly excited and trying to calm another overly excited person down just non-productive.
  • For the Borderline, ask yourself if what you are about to do can wait until tomorrow. It’s difficult when the emotions run fast & high. Try to think of the outcome to your decision or action.

Do you have any suggestions that you think might help in keeping the symptoms in check? Perhaps you do something that works great for you, I would love to hear it.

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