Emotionally Spent [BFMH]

Thursday I had a family visitation to attend. I received a phone call days earlier from my estranged father informing me that my one of my uncles had passed away. An uncle I remember who would bring his family over for Sunday dinners.

I was never super close to them, although we did attend the same high school. I hadn’t seen them since the 80’s. I don’t remember them attending my grandparents funeral, don’t remember much about the 80’s to be truthful, especially the late 80’s.

It was going to be tough going to this visitation to see family I no longer associated with. My ASPD issues were overshadowed by my BPD issues. I wasn’t that cocky arrogant person I used to be. I was fearful, anxious and borderline unstable.

My Beloved arrived home from work, I’m dressed and ready to go. “I really don’t want to go.”

“Go where?”

“REALLY?”

He sits there in the chair blank faced. I tell him that dinner is in the oven and I walk upstairs trying to maintain & contain my unstable emotions. I can feel the emotions starting to boil, lid is almost off the pot. I manage to pull myself together, in the back of my mind I’m concerned that my Beloved may have some health issues. I push that aside for the moment and I remained in my office. Because of the past history with my father and his second wife I need my Beloved to be my shield. I was hurt & angry that this event didn’t mean that much to him to remember. Then the rational part of me says it may not have been a big deal to him to remember, sometimes when you really don’t want to do something you tend to push it out of your mind, right? thus forgetting. I’ve done it to him, so I couldn’t be too mad at him.

I tossed back a shot of booze before leaving the house. While I was talking to my cousins and giving my condolences I felt a tug at my sweater. It was my estranged father. Looking old, just really old. He asked me if I wanted to meet my replacements. Since I had stopped talking to him in the early 2000’s my father had decided to “adopt” his cousins adult daughters. Girls he hadn’t had contact with through their youth yet suddenly they are one big happy family. These are also the girls (my cousins) who will inherit my share of the family estate. Should I be jealous or angry? Not really. I made my decision to stay away from the family.

My father reintroduced me to them as if for the first time meeting them. I could no longer tell them apart, they looked so much alike. They were married, to the same looking white guy with the same looking white kids with those white kid names. We all shook hands. I laughed and said “how formal of us to shake hands” they both looked at me strangely and their husbands laughed. I was standoffish, I know. My father said that he would be leaving shortly, I said my goodbyes to them. They said the polite thing of “it was nice to meet you.” REALLY?! We’re fucking cousins you goobers! UGH. I said “see you at the next funeral” as I turned to walk away.

My father & I had brief words. He told my youngest son a brief story about the family history. Made jabs at my Beloved for being overweight. He tried to make jabs at my son but being 6’4 and 240 pounds my father chose his words carefully. I felt only uncomfortable during this encounter. With nothing to say to my father, I didn’t want to have to speak loudly because he’s deaf now. I never acknowledged his wife, as I did see her standing there by the door. I waved goodbye to the remaining family and knew that this will be the last time I see them. As I was walking out of the door I remembered that I didn’t hug my father goodbye I was focused on just getting out the door quickly. I turned around to see where my shield & son were, my manchild was locked in a tight embrace with my father a strong & firm hug. I thought “oh fuck, I should probably do that too.” I turned back walked to him “see ya Pop.” Hugging him with that “back pat” type of hug. It was so uncomfortable for the both of us. I even laughed and said “oh how cute we both gave the back pat hug.” My Beloved laughed out loud as he knew exactly what I meant. My father stood there for a moment then chuckled. It was all very surreal with people standing in the background frozen and those photo collages of my uncle in the corners of the room.

It was all very emotional. When I have those type of days it’s normally followed by a day of fatigue but not wanting to sleep and sluggishness. A drain of my power source. Keeping to keep my borderline issues under control takes work. Today, I would be thrilled to be able to cuddle up in bed with Mr. Sam. It’s a cool gray day today and that would be perfect. Mr Sam has been occupied with the care of his ailing mother 24/7 until she is able to move about freely. I feel for him but that’s his decision.

When I get like this I seldom feel like going out for drinks at my regular Friday night dive bar. However, due to the encounter with my father I will be meeting a close friend to have a few drinks. Days like this I reach out to those closest to me because I need them to reenergize my power source. Its days like today when I question why Mr. Sam is around. I have that need to relief that numbness that I feel or perhaps I want to feel something besides what I’m feeling now. Sex was always great mood booster. I could always count on the endorphin release after a hard & dirty fucking. Who knows what the night holds in store for me…its still early.

Severe Storm

Friday afternoon some severe storms passed through Northern Illinois. It came so fast and so hard. The rain was coming down so hard that it looked blurry gray. The wind picked up, tops of the trees were swaying. Our dog Stella has issues when it comes to storms. I’m trying to give her medication to her and set up my camera to get some photos. But the rain came too quick, so I waited.

storm clouds, latina blogger, sassycat3000, extreme weather
And then it happened. The power went out! It’s too hot & humid to be without air conditioning. The pump that keeps the garage from flooding has stopped running. When the rain slowed down to a sprinkle I went outside to assess the damages.

The storm took down my patio shelter, knocked over the canopy swing. All the garden plants are flooded. The winds knocked over all kinds of things. Tables, chairs, flower pots and trees.

After I walked around out back I heard voices out front. Neighbors outside walking down the streets, pointing. Ok, let’s go see. The next block down the street from us had a huge tree blocking the road. This tree was blown over by the strong winds, it even pulled the root by also two slabs of  sidewalk concrete. The electrical wires are laying on the ground. The tree crushed a truck and branches grazed a car across the street.

I continued walking and noticed there was another tree down laying in the street. This tree was just another down from the one laying one the truck. This tree was struck by lightning, it was hollow inside and the bark was peeled off the trunk. The electrical wires were burnt as they laid in the street. Next to that tree in between the two houses a huge thick tree trunk was knocked over as well however this tree was dead and didn’t cause any property damage other than needed to be removed.

Since there was no electricity we decided to go out to eat and shopping and later we went to my favorite dive bar and that is another story.

 

A hot humid Night [MM150]

[The following story has been submitted to this website by guest writer: WB]

It was a hot humid night.  It’s sometime around midnight and I couldn’t sleep.  I tossed and turned in those sweat soaked sheets. Naked & sweaty I get out of bed, walking to the kitchen.

The kitchen curtains are open. The window is open but there is no breeze. I open the refrigerator and that icy blast of air felt wonderful, especially around my cock and balls. The way it crept up my ass crack.  I turned around and leaned over spreading my ass cheeks apart to gain a better feel of the cold air. I’m so hot and wet with sweat.

The cold air felt so good but it wasn’t enough so I take the ice tray from the freezer. I left the refrigerator door open and sat down at the kitchen table. I picked up a few cubes and began wiping my body down. Just attempting to cool myself down. The ice melted against my skin, water running down my skin. It was so cold and aroused my senses. My cock twinged as I rubbed it with the ice cubes. The ice cubes began to melt from the heat of the rush of blood pumping into my thick shaft.  It was forming the cubes to the shape of my hard cock. Turning my rod into a thick meat popsicle by this point.

I’m enjoying my cool down masturbation, rubbing the cubes up and down.  The crack of my ass is wet with the water from the melting ice cubes. Oh this feels so cold, refreshing and making me want to continue until I come. I getting so turned on by this that I start getting into it, before I let myself go I better close the refrigerator door.

As I turn around to sit down in the dark kitchen I  look out the  window. I see my super hot neighbors window curtains move as if someone had been looking out the window. My hot milf neighbor must have been watching me!!! She must have hid behind her curtains.  I knew she must had been staring. I suppose she couldn’t sleep either. I wonder how long she had watched me stroking my cock? Let’s see if she watches me some more I thought to myself. I wanted her to watch me finish jacking off. I’m getting even more aroused by the thought of her standing there watching me masturbate.

I pushed back the kitchen chair a little and opened up the refrigerator door once more to cast some light on my cock. I glanced over just a little to know if she was peeking from behind her curtain. She was!! I take another few of ice cubes. I’m really getting into it the thought of her watching, I’m stroking my cock with authority squirming in my chair. I sit back, clinch my ass cheeks thrusting forward coming off the chair, stroking and thrusting. I can feel my blood racing with every clinching thrust. My cock became so fucking hard I’d squeeze it as hard as I can and it still swell up. I’m imagining fucking her tight wet hole and how it would feel when I’m thrusting in her pussy, as my cock stretches her hole out. FUCK! I want to cum. I can feel the urge building inside me.

Suddenly I stop. I grab a flashlight from the kitchen drawer and shine it at her window. I catch sight of her standing there, naked & exposed with a look of surprise on her face. Her nipples are erect, her hand by her side, her fingers look wet. She had been masturbating while watching me. I caught her! The sexy neighbor next door. I shut the refrigerator, turned on the kitchen light. I smiled and motioned for her to come over. She waved back. Five minutes later she was knocking at the door.

And that’s another story!

Remember practice safe sex and don’t be afraid to love yourself….

[The above story was submitted to this website by guest writer: WB]

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I Felt his Fingers slide in Deeper

We arrived back at his place. I stood there looking around, he turns around walking towards me. Standing face to face, he looks me in the eye and I feel his fingertips against my inner thighs. I stand there motionless as his fingers move slowly underneath my shorts, tugging them to the side his fingers find their way inside my panties.fingering, kink of the week

I held onto his shoulders as he leaned into to kiss me. He kisses me deeply as his fingers spread my lips apart, searching for my clit.

I let out a gasp.

He’s eyes intensely focus on my reactions. I grab on tightly to his shoulders as he pushes a finger inside of me. I moan. It feels so good. I normally want a hard cock after a while of  being fingering but not with Mr Sam. He has a way about him that I enjoy. He gets pleasure pushing my boundaries. I start to unbutton my shorts.

“Did you bring your camera?”

“Uh huh.”

He removes his fingers, stands back and I walk to my purse to pull out my camera. He smiles. “Now where were we? oh yeah.” I let my short drop to the floor and he pushes my panties down.

He leans me to kiss me. His one hand on the small of my back, his other hand is in between my legs. I wanted to feel his fingers deep inside me so I put one foot on the frame of the bed. I hear him take a deep breath as I feel his fingers moving quickly inside me. My knees get weak, I’m hanging onto him so I don’t fall and I hear the sounds of my juices. “Yeah, there it is.”

fingering, kink of the week, latina sexbloggerMy body is weak. He looks deep into my eyes and smiles then laughs. “And we haven’t even made it to the bed or laid down yet!” I grab his belt buckle and begin to undo it, unzipping his jeans. He moves back and starts to do it himself. I fall onto the bed with great anticipation & expectation of what’s to come (I should really say … of who’s to come… that would be ME!)

I pull off my shirt & bra. “OH! I get to see the girls today. It’s been a week since I’ve seen them.” I laughed. He finishing getting undressed, felling on top of me. I thought oh this sucks its gonna be a quickie and that’s it. We kiss for a while as his fingers caress my body. His hand pushes my legs apart once again as his fingers search for my clit. His fingertips play with my clit gently as he watches my face for the reaction he’s looking for. His fingers slid down to my hole, waiting. He doesn’t push in, he waits. Plays with me but still doesn’t put his fingers inside. What a tease!

He waits and when my body relaxes he thrusts his finger in, one is never enough, right? He pulls out and puts two fingers inside me. OHHHHH! My body is moving uncontrollably with the motion of his fingers going in & out of me. He scoots down until his face is in between my legs. His tongue gently touches my clit, sucking it, flicking it. He has his arm folded against my ass. He’s enjoying sucking my clit and listening to me orgasm over & over. I drifted off into another state of mind not noticing that he had moved his arm. I felt his fingers inside me again. This time I felt his finger pushing on my arse. OH!fingering, kink of the week, latina sexblogger

A first for me, never had fingers near my back door entrance. I felt dirty and I liked it. I felt a finger push a little harder, but my fear made him stop. He continues to fuck my pussy all the while his tongue plays with my clit. I feel his finger pushing against my back door again, this time I relaxed and let him push more. I’m pushing back and forth fucking his fingers that are in my pussy, he’s mouth covering the rest of me. I feel the pressure of his finger, I get scared and grab his wrist to make him stop. He waited, and then continued again. This time I didn’t stop him when I felt his fingers enter me as I pushed against him harder & faster. The twinge of discomfort was overridden by the sounds of my orgasm. OH MY GOD! How I love his fingers!!!

 

Words from Mr. Sam: I like to take my time during foreplay to make sure she is satisfied. I do love to feel her body as she cums, if it’s during sex you miss a lot of it cause your side tracked. When its foreplay all you concentration is on her, her body, her sounds.

 

His Darkness affects My Darkness

I don’t remember how long it took me to finally trust or to feel secure with my Beloved. It’s going on 20 years of insanity between us. Looking back I don’t think we had a lot of problems but outsiders looking in have told me that they thought we were getting divorced because of all the bickering.

Now that Mr. Sam has been in my life I can see where & how my insecurities crop up. For those of us who suffer from Borderline, having someone else who also has a mental illness only causes more issues that need to be addressed.

Caring for them both for them deeply, I don’t ever want to lose either one of them. However, at times one of them shuts down on me. I feel left out. I have no idea whats going on in that head of his. Sadly that the sociopath in me doesn’t care, but that’s with anyone. I’m not a person to ask lots of questions, unless I’m looking for something. I probably should ask questions because someone who suffers from chronic depression can easily slip down that slope into total darkness to be lost in their madness.

I always have to “emotionally vomit” on one of the important men in my life. Emotionally vomiting (my term that I always use) is when I have to get everything out of my being so that I don’t erupt on the wrong person or do or say something, anything that I will regret. So one day my Beloved asked me “Wait. Wait. Are you mad at me? Did I do or say anything to upset you? Is this directed at me?”

I laughed and said NO silly. I just need to vent so that I don’t explode. He breathed a huge sigh of relief. I continued. It’s what I do now. I vent on one of the two men, who ever is available at the time. Now if neither one is available then there is a problem because I get frustrated, impatient and restless. Those feelings then push me to do impulsive things, things I wouldn’t normally do, well maybe. Things that try to fill the emotional void. Sometimes I think I do things to make me feel, something, anything.

Emotions … acting without the benefit of intellect.

I know can see that communication is key in any relationship. But if one has a mental illness and shuts down then what? Do I get in their face and demand for them to talk? I won’t. I can’t. When it comes to Mr. Sam I am still walking on shaky ground. What bothers me the most is his inability to just tell me what he needs, if its space, time or a shoulder. Then again when someone is falling into their darkness how can they reach out? I know that he is not leaving me (yet) and I am not leaving him. I do enjoy his friendship, his tenderness and ability to see me for who I truly am.

The best thing for me is to keep my hands busy because when the mind has nothing to focus on then that’s when I get into trouble. I have tons of things to do. Things that I have neglected for months. But first things first, get some photos done and then finish up all those reviews I have.

After I published this post, one of the last songs Charlie had played for me came on my playlist. I floated away to that moment that our relationship was falling apart, but the lyrics to this song can now apply to Mr. Sam. I don’t ever want to lose him but yet a part of me knows nothing last forever. I will do what I do best when we get like this. If you wanna know the song you can find out by clicking this youtube link.

The Noon Day Heat 

Yesterday was super hot & humid. I hate this kind of weather because I don’t like to sweat. But when I’m not leaving the house I don’t mind so much. Today I was outside working in the yard & painting the garage door.

I was sweating so much, sweat running down my neck and down my cleavage. I did get some sun on my back, but not my front.

If I wasn’t so afraid of getting nipple sunburn I would go topless in my yard. I have a 6 ft privacy fence but the neighbors can still see me if they look out their second story windows.

 

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Jager Night

Friday night is my night to spend out at the bar drinking & socializing. Hanging out with Mr. Sam and the old crew. On this specific night I went out without telling Mr. Sam and was talking with my very friend. I felt guilty for not telling him, but a part of me felt like I was too close that I was getting dependent on him for my emotional needs.

And when I do that I tend to get burned, my involvement with my former PIC the notorious Charlie, has left me defensive and suspicious of any behaviors. I just felt that if i let my guard down with Mr Sam that nothing good can or would come from that. I know that I am living in a fantasy world, waiting for the castle that I built in the sky to crumble down to earth. I wanted to feel that independent feeling again, attached to no one. Yet even with my closest friends I felt alone. The more I drank, the more intense that feeling got. I still longed for Mr Sam to be there with me, yet I knew in the back of my mind my security blanket has always been my Beloved.alcohol

There are some behaviors that I have noticed with Mr Sam that reminds me of Charlie and my fear is that soon, in the near future we will become toxic for each other. Mr Sam is an alcoholic and so was Charlie. I still haven’t figured out why I need to have a drunk somewhere in the background of my life. Mr Sam understands me better than my Beloved does, which is a wonderful feeling. Trying to explain my issues, illness and other things to my Beloved can be exhausting, but Mr Sam always gets me.

When I arrived at my regular dive bar I text Mr Sam for him to come down to see me. I had drunk a lot by then, and had started drinking a lot of water. I wanted to have fun, experience that feeling I felt when Mr Sam & I first met. I didn’t want to get too drunk that I would be hung over in the morning but I wanted to hit my plateau as Mr Sam calls it. When I wasn’t looking Mr Sam order me a shot of jager. Jager can make me go either direction just depends on my mood. I can be easily angered by other buzzed people. The shot of jager got me to that plateau where I enjoyed a comfortable buzz until the bar closed.

My Black Leather Bracelet [KOTW]

Cockrings.

My experience with cock rings didn’t happen until I was married the second time around. I was in my late 20’s, early 30’s when my current husband & I were still in our honeymoon phase.

He was the one who would suggest that we take a trip to our local adult toy store. We would shop for anything and everything, for new things to try. One time we had gone in looking for a cock ring, something to keep his cock rock hard. I was wanting to fuck after he came. I wanted him to keep his cock hard for as long as I needed him to be.cockring, leather,

Once he had used a string from an old pair of exercise pants. He used the string around his cock and balls, but I was always too worried about him tying off his penis.

So we were on the lookout for a cockring. I don’t remember when we bought the black leather cockring. It could have been anywhere during our travels. I love that it is leather. I wanna say that we bought it during our vacay at “leather in the woods” weekend. My beloved is no help, he can’t remember either. Let’s say that I’ve had it for a very long time.

We used it when we first bought it, but the snaps would rub against me. No matter where he had the snaps it would cause pain. Not only that he said that the ring was just a bit too tight. Since its leather and really cool looking I now wear it as a bracelet. No one has ever asked me about it, that I can remember. I love wearing it.

leather cockring, latina sexblogger

I used to have this glans ring on my key chain. And how I came about owning it seems kind of weird. All I will say is that it was given to me because it didn’t fit the person it was intended for.

glans ring, latina sexblogger

Cock rings have always given me a sense of fear. I always had thoughts in my mind of some sort of medical emergency. Pain. So, I would rather not use them. Bottom line is cock rings just scare me, like a ring that is too tight on a finger.

Both of these cock rings that I own are slightly on the small side. I had to find out if the rings are still too small for the men in my life.

This one seemed to fit one of my men, but he mentioned it was feeling fit when he was starting to become erect. He was becoming excited, I didn’t want to waste his hard on. I took my panties & shorts off, climbed on top of him until he yelled “Off… OFF!” I didn’t want to get off of him, but we don’t want to take any chances. I rode him hard his cock felt so filling inside my hungry pussy.

The black leather cock ring didn’t fit him. He is about 7 inches long when fully erect. I didn’t get a chance to measure his girth. He suggested that we should look into different types of rings since he became immediately aroused by this brief experience.

The glans rings didn’t fit him. His head is much bigger, so I didn’t try to squeeze it on to him. The black leather cock ring used to fit him, however quickly became too snug and that’s when I started wearing it around my wrist. Now if you noticed the black cock ring fits around his cock and snaps on the second snap. I think its safe to assume that his cock is just an inch smaller than my wrist and my wrist is 6 1/2 inches around. What does that mean? Not sure.

But I adore the cocks that belong to both my men. Both of them could go without using cock rings. Although both of them have tried using them at different times during our relationships. I’ve experienced men using homemade cock rings such as string, elastic hair ties never a rubber band, thank heaven. Now that I have a bit more experience with cock rings I would be interested in testing out some on my men.

There you have it, my experiences with cock rings.

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