A Lifestyle or an Excuse?

Being in love with two men is draining. I have so many questions & thoughts traveling through my mind at any given moment.

I’ve had one question that burns in my mind.

Why do I need or want someone else in my life?

I usually ask this question when I have another man in the background of my life. There was a time when I didn’t have someone. There was just one man in my life, but I had other focuses and work and children.

For the past 10 years or so I’ve had another man in my life. I always kept my distance from them, meaning I wouldn’t allow it to become sexual. Now, that Mr. Sam is in my life I don’t want to be without him. I want him to get the same respect as my beloved.

I’ve been doing some reading about the subject of Polyamory. I love two men and they love me. What’s the problem? Society. Acceptance. It’s difficult to discard the beliefs, values and morals that were drilled into your head by family and society as you were growing up into adulthood. Who says that relationships have to be a certain way? How can restrictions be placed on human emotion?

Then I think if I say “oh I’m polyamorous” that its an excuse or justifying my behavior. When I discussed it with Mr Sam he replied “adding more cards to your deck?” I asked “what do you mean?”

He replied “I’m an only child, I’m Mexican, I’m crazy and I cant help it and now I’m polyamorous!”

So I started a quest for more answers.

I heard somewhere that when going through menopause that a woman comes out the other side being the woman she was meant to be all along. Maybe I’m just being selfish, wanting my cake and being able to eat it too. Reading about polyamory, if I had to “fit” somewhere I guess I would say that I am polyfidelitous. I don’t see any others but have made commitments to both of my men. Mr. Sam demanded it in the early stages of our relationship. Rings were purchased and commitment made. But because I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder how do I know it’s love? How do I know that’s its just not me wanting to experience the abandonment or the rejection? We are coming up on our one year anniversary in a few weeks. That should say something, right? I often ask what keeps us together? What do we have in common? What’s the common ground? Our attraction was physical but not at the top of the list. We did more talking, about everything and anything. I often told them both if I could combine them into one man they would be perfect.

Am I being selfish? Am I trying to make excuses for my behavior? Is this all real? Is it really love?

Not sure where to go from here. I’m not out as being poly, if that’s what I am. Tossed around the idea to both men. What happens if one agrees and the other doesn’t? How do I approach them? I can I risk it? Is it worth the risk? What happens if neither one agrees? Where does that leave me?

This is my Monday.

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